Never Unknow: There’s Always Someone Watching When You Pee Or Fighting The Collective You Didn’t Know You Joined

cover getting along with the germans

This is almost a book review I’ve been meaning to do for years. But it’s still not quite there. Instead, let us, together dear worst-reader, have yet another review of what it’s like to live among the seedy Germanians. (“Seedy” being a term used by Ben Franklin when arguing against making German the official language of the newly independent colonies back in seventeen hundred and… whatever.)

First. Remember at the beginning of the film Gladiator where the Romans are preparing for battle and waiting for the return of their carrier and all that shows up is a headless body on a horse? The scene cuts to a huge barbarian standing on a hill waving a man’s bodiless head. The barbarian throws the head to the ground where it bellows a hallow thump and then yells to his Roman counterparts:

Ihr verfluchte Hunde!

The barbarian is speaking a not-so distant form of German that basically translates thus:

  • You fcuking dogs
  • You dog fcuks
  • Fcuk you dogs
  • No thank you. We Germans are really not interested in being a slave colony of you stuck-up, half-African Romans who all think indigestion is a mating call that requires barfing before copulating. Have a nice day.

I’m not quite sure why but two things have stuck with me since becoming an unwitting expat and–aghast!–part of a collective:

  1. Why couldn’t I have become an expat in California–which kinda makes sense because I’m from the mid-Atlantic coast of the US? No. Seriously. I’ve seen more of the US since moving to Europe/Germania in my mid-20s. During my travels I’ve concluded that there are more similarities between western Europe and the US east coast then there are similarities between the US east coast and the US west coast.
  2. There is no scarier thing in the world than a nation-state of peoples that all think the same, act the same, eat the same, birth the same, fcuk the same, drive the same, walk the same, speak the same, the same, the same, the same… the collective.

No. Seriously. You wanna know the secret to success of the post WW2 Germans that Trump recently called “bad”? (Btw, I’ll avoid getting into the magic of debt cancellation that was the gist of the Marshall Plan.) It’s all about one thing and one thing only.

Everybody is the same.

It’s really that simple. There is no independent thought. There is no tolerance of others. There is no creativity. There is only the same, the same, the same. The thing that keeps the German from exploding is the simple fact that WW2 has pacified them to the point of no return. Also, add to that the shit-kids of Margot Honecker are now running the show. Thank you Angela Merkel. Anywho. That is why, as the rest of the world struggles with Trumpism, authoritarianism, austerity and keeping the rich richer, Germania, barbarians at heart, are still yelling at Roman overlords…

You fucking dogs… Now: how can I serve you more white asparagus with Italian twenty-four month cured ham with a wondrous glass of Graubegründer? Oh. And before we rudely forget. Would you like to fcuk Heidi Klum?

With that in mind, allow me, dear worst-reader, to cut to the chase. Obviously I’ll have to review the book “Getting Along With The Germans” another time. Till then, read it–if you can get it–and heed this pic:

a policeman in every german

There is indeed in EVERY German a fcuking policeman and within every German policeman is another German policeman waiting to German-come-out. And do you want to know how to get all those policeman out from deep within every German? Well, you can start by being a 54 year old man that has to pee a lot when going on long bike rides–and can’t find a place to do it.

Yesterday, while taking a bike tour with my better half (who loves the way I talk about her homeland and her Germans), I had to go #1. (For those not in the know, that’s peeing; ask an anglophobe what #2 is.) My better-half was perturbed and said:

We just got started. Why didn’t you go before we left?

She’s right. But. The obvious problem is: I forgot to go before we left. And. The thing is. At my age and my physical demeanour, when/if I gotta go, I gotta fcuking go!

Since I was familiar with the bike route we were on, I knew of a rather secluded corner where I could whip out the monster and help filter some man juice to the Rhine River. The problem though is that the day before was Ascension Day. Ascension Day is yet another mandated-by-law paid vacation day that always falls on a Thursday. That means that the day after (Ascension Day) is what’s known as a bridge-day. (It’s not known as Friday.) A bridge-day is a day that the collective usually takes a vacation day from the compulsion they call work or career. That means that there are double the amount of Germanians out enjoying–in this case–the great weather. It was indeed a rare beautiful day. There were a lot of fcuking Germans out and about. It was not a good time for me to screw up. But I had to go. I really had to go!

So I find a secluded corner and do my bidness. But before I can get the monster back in my pants, I hear a male voice from a short distance behind me. I can’t remember exactly what he said–yeah, I’m kinda deaf when I’m focused on zippers and flesh and really, really tight, padded bicycling undergarments. When I finally turned around (yes, with my monster tucked away and zipper up) a German (a little bit smaller than the one throwing bodiless heads) was standing there preaching about the vulgarity of what I had just done.

Ok. Now this isn’t the first time I’ve been confronted by the plain-clothes collective police. But this was the first time when the guy took his civil duties a bit too far. He started yelling and preaching and demanding and and and… The German language can sometimes be very scary! Without paying much attention to his words, I simply said:

“You want to lutsch my Schwanz, you vixxer! Mind your own fcuking business.”

He proceeded to explain to me that I was peeing on a fence that guarded the entrance to a part of a water plant… blah, blah, blah, achtung, dumbkopf, fahrvergnügen

Stupefied, I looked around. He was right. But it was a secluded fence. It was off in a corner at the end of a driveway. The fence was totally corroded with algae and other growth as though it hadn’t been used in a long, long time. By standing in the corner, facing the entrance there was no way to see me unless you put some effort into it. Welcome to Germany!

I told him once again that he really should mind his own business but then I pulled back and realised that this type of confrontation can have no outcome. No. Wait. My better half told me that. Of course. And so. That is the main problem of a collective society where nothing gets done beyond the compulsion of what’s already been done and most individuals can’t find their way out of a collective wet paper bag–but at least they can afford to lease, on the taxpayer teat, lots of BMWs, Audis and Krautracers.

But before I get into too many details about what I think of The Collective, for it was quite a vulgar display on my part (thank you very much!), the German put away his collective policeman and we both went about enjoying the sunny day. With that in mind, dear worst-reader, don’t worry about me. I’m already planning in my head where I can find another more quite and secluded place to piss on the Germania water supply.

Rant on.

-t

Her “Deplorables” Are Alive And Well Or You’re A Fascist And Don’t Know It Yet

big lebowski mug in face.gif
Just a GIF I found on the interwebnets. Pretty much covers the fascist issue. Or?

Update: Always remember, dear worst-reader, when all else fails in your quest to fail-upwards, violence always wins. And so. Let’s give those deplorables a hand. They win. Again. Again. Again. (Thank you Bill & Hillary Clinton!)

Hi-Larry-Us, dear worst-reader. The first thought that came into my worst-mind upon hearing the news that another batsh*t republican utilised his/the meathead as part of communicating idears–or in this case his will upon others–was whether or not Hillary was there to witness it. I mean, this is literally what she meant when she called all those republican nutbags (including coward libertarians) “deplorables”. Or was she talking about those republicans that can’t formulate a sentence, drag their knuckles or listen/believe too much faux newz?

At this point, I suppose, the question of formulating a sentence or physically forcing your political will on someone else is mute. But do we (liberals) feel bad for the Guardian reporter that got WWE slammed last night in Montana? I mean, think about that. A reporter that works for a thoughtful news organisation gets his ass handed to him because he doesn’t realise he’s facing the living manifestation of…

My way or the highway!

Btw. Where were all these gutsy reporters when the ghost of Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan irked their way into the tip of Trump’s penis giving him the itch Melania can’t scratch? That’s right, dear worst-reader. There is no telling where this level of fascist behaviour is gonna go or where it can hide before being revealed–en masse. The only thing that matters is it’s here and you’re part of it.

Good luck suckers.

Link that motivated this post:

Rant on.

-t

Eternal Errors Of Greed Mongers Galore And The Price That Will Be Paid

capitalism_not_quite

Actually thought about reading the linked article twice but ended up only reading it in part the first time. That is, I started reading it and then realised–and this coming from worstwriter–that the author was practicing his/her typing more than actually writing something. Or maybe not. What a crock of poo-poo the recent ransomware scandals are. Reason? I don’t know, ask f’n Microsoft. But wait. We’re (as in the royal “we”) aren’t allowed to blame Microsoft. Reason? Microsoft had warned users for years to get off of WinXP. Which means, it’s the users fault if they didn’t heed the advice. I guess it’s the users fault, too, if the user can’t f’n afford to pay the real ransom–that of Microsoft making software that, for all practical purposes, dictates when and how they are paid and by whom. Or? Ok. Whatever. I guess It’s easy enough to put the blame on ransomware of this kind on the users. Again. They were warned. But still… Microsoft sucks and so does most technology these days. Reason? That’s how greed-mongering works. Or maybe not.

The article that motivated this post, see below, was sent me by an old friend with the question: “you follow any of this shit?” Here my response.

Thanks for the article. I missed that one.

As far as the recent “wcry” (ransomware) exploit, the article does not once mention that it only worked on WinXP legacy systems. The rest of the explaining that the author does is interesting but doesn’t apply to the real world, i.e. Unix, Linux or Mac users. This recent ransomware exploit is all about legacy systems and whether or not companies are willing to pay the exuberant costs of upgrades—that is not only about upgrading the OS but upgrading all the other software components that, especially for older systems, are rarely compatible. There is a case where a Win7 system was infected but that was only after they tried to fix and/or upgrade the already infected WinXP system. These ransomware exploits, although serious, are really kinda of a sinister joke on Microsoft. I wonder what all these hackers that come up with this shit would be doing if there were jobs available for them—i.e. jobs that paid decent wages and provided a living standard?

Personally, I blame Microsoft for this problem. Even though they warned WinXP users for years that they would no longer support the system with security updates, they went ahead and stopped supporting it anyway. Microsoft knew that there are millions of systems out there still running XP. Hell, I’m sure you could go to some fancy restaurant in Manila and see XP on its cash register system. Why companies and organisations never updated to newer version of Windows is not just about upgrade costs, though—which are outrageous from Microsoft. Like I said, upgrade your OS and you also have to upgrade your other components.

Imagine running a WinXP accounting system on 10,000 terminals (retail, bank teller, airport terminal, etc.) that is dependent on a Oracle DB backend. Holly shit! The cost of an upgrade to another version of Windows OS is mind boggling. And you have to pay to upgrade Oracle, too. This is and has always been STUPID.

But listen to all the college grads out there totting old conservative rhetoric all their lives. A logical government mandate that controls the out-of-control is/was the only solution. Oh wait. Government regulation is a sin.

WHAT A FUCKING EASY THING TO EXPLOIT!

After Bill Gates, Microsoft has been run my sales people and NOT by engineers. This is blatant in how the company has tried to keep up with modernising its OS. I gave up on Windows after Win7. Although the current CEO of Microsoft is an engineer, he’s focused right now on hardware not on Windows.

I’m laughing my ass off.

Thank you.

-t

…and please take all worst writing with a grain of salt. It’s just thoughts or three and little extra time to practice typing.

Rant on.

-T

Link that motivated this post:

Conspiratorial Death Of The Eurasian Magpie That Brought Down My Cessna

IMG_2377IMG_2379

No. Seriously. I had this wild pre-dawn dream. I was in PHL with my wife. We were working together on an American TV show that had a deadline. I had to take a Cessna plane to MD in order to solve a problem in the TV show’s script. On the trip back to PHL the Cessna got caught in some kind of whirlwind and we had to make an emergency landing on a road on the outskirts of the city. Before I started running back to the office with the solution from MD, I told the pilot of the Cessna to figure out what was the cause of our having to make a premature landing. I was vehement about knowing why, with so much technology–and the ability to fly–I still had to run back to the office to make a deadline. I then I complained to the pilot about the “pool of sweat” I’d be in when I arrived and how it wouldn’t match my suit. Back in the office, after having trouble finding my way through a maze of stairways in the building, I solve the TV show’s problem but have lost track of my better-half. Then, suddenly, the pilot of the Cessna enters and shows me a picture he took with his phone. It’s a picture of a dead Eurasian Magpie in the middle of the road. The pilot proceeds to explain that the small bird was the cause of our Cessna landing early.

Rant on.

-t

career choice ice cream truck driver

Since I’m on a roll with translating today, here’s one more. Saw this truck this morning while walking Beckett, the Killer Pug, and couldn’t help but think of reality. So I snapped this pic. Indeed. Berufswunsch: Eiswagenfahrer. Translation: globalisation means that kids don’t need school but instead a driver’s license and maybe a few phonebooks to sit on. Then they can drive these trucks around and deliver ice cream at the cheapest wages ever. The ice cream company will be very profitable since the kid truck driver will have to be home so his mom can feed him and, of course, that’s where he’ll sleep, too. Indeed. If only the future could be now for corporations. Or is it already?

The First Casualty Of The War Of The Lie Of Your Mind On Steroids Times 65 Gazillion But Don’t Worry Your House Of Cards Is Still Standing

What is the first casualty of war, dear worst-reader? That’s right. The truth. Ever wonder how all those bankers, especially the pions that do all the work for banks and Wall Street, how they think about the lies they are telling? Obviously they justify what they do with the knowledge that they are, indeed, at war. Ever see traders trade on the floor of a stock exchange? Ever have trouble paying your mortgage? Ever wonder why you’re kids will have even less than you? It’s kinda like war. Am I wrong?

In order to get one of those jobs on either Wall Street or whatever surrogate Wall Street city around the world, you have to have the credential of an edumacation. If that’s the case, what are all those pions thinking based on that expensive edumacation as they  tell lies, make lies, lying, lying, lying? The answer? Nothing. They are either living the WAR dream or they are out to coffee. The only thing their edumacation taught them was to NOT think (for themselves) and then behave to the point of having a compulsive disorder. It’s called a career. A career at war for peace?

Orwell anyone? Nomatter.

There is one thing that gets under my gander when thinking about the mess I have to live in that is the byproduct of a financialized (speculative) world. At the end of 2007, as banks were on the verge of world-wide collapse and the US government decided to intervene in their demise and save them by further looting the US treasury (not unlike it had already been looted to make war mongers even richer by fighting empire protecting oil wars), what were these banks doing that got them into such trouble? The answer: debt. But I don’t want to get into that here. It’s a big can of worms to open, this thing called debt. What I want to get into is one of the minor details of the fail-upward world that is present day #americant, #eurowasteland, etc.

When the US government let Lehmann Brothers fail, it did so because, of all the banks that were complicit in the mess, Lehmann was the one with the most lies to be revealed. Those lies had to be protected at all costs. At least that’s my best guess as to why the US government bailed out Goldman Sachs instead. (Other than the fact that Lehmann didn’t have as many cronies working in revolving-door government.) But what are the lies that Lehmann Brothers told? My worst-guess is, they lied about everything. No. Seriously. EVERYTHING. Where Goldman & Co (and all other banks that were bailed out) lied about (let’s say) half of their business, Lehmann lied about everything. In fact, their business was the lie. If Lehmann would have failed under out-of-control circumstances, i.e. the economy would have crashed after dipshit Dubya left office and the funny man with the big ears took over, then the lies that made up so much of bank’s businesses would eventually have to be revealed. Indeed. The government bail out of fail-upward banks was literally a culling of the herd–to protect the rest–and to make sure there is no truth.

Which brings me to Wells Fargo. I follow this bank once-a-once by reading through my news feeds. I do so because this is the most interesting lie-bank that’s out there right now. The other week headlines appeared about WF but this time it wasn’t about just a few million fake accounts, which is the scandal they’ve been involved in for years. This time it was about how the first lie wasn’t enough. That is the lie wasn’t big enough. They needed a way to increase the lie. Only in #americant, eh baby.

But before I’m off topic.

The original number of fraudulent bank accounts at WF was X. Or was it? Actually the real number is Y. Y is at least double that of X. And now let me bring this worst-post back to Lehmann Brothers and the great recession/crash of 2007. To me, dear worst-reader, WF is not unlike LB (Lehmann Brothers). The difference is, the government can’t make WF collapse overnight and then just go away (which is exactly what it did with LB). The reason WF can’t collapse overnight is because, well, it’s actually a retail bank and there are a lot of people that have bank accounts with them and there are laws that protect those account holders. Which was not the case for the suckers at LB. Oh wait. Another reason WF can’t just be made to disappear. One of its largest stock holders is Warren Buffet.

As it turns out, the initial number of bank accounts that Wells Fargo lied about–that they created out of the blue in order to fraudulently increase their fees–has to be at least doubled. This is the same truth of, say, all banks on Wall Street–that the powers-that-be don’t want people to see. All of these banks who provide the lie of consumption and the reality of austerity, globalisation, etc., via credit and debt, especially those suckers in my beloved #americant, exist on a foundation that is a house of cards.

But I guess, since you probably have a college degree, you already knew that.

Now go buy something.

Rant on.

-T

Links that motivated this post:

Excercise(s) In Translation: A Schlampe Is Not A Bitch. Or Is She?

There are moments, dear worst-reader, where I love the German language. There are also moments when I don’t love it. But that’s not what this worst-post is about. Even though I’ve given up studying the language–because I reached a point many years ago where I not only would dream in it but I achieved such advanced forsight in it that I could read German facial expressions, German innuendo, German conspiracy-theory, etc., etc. German had become more than a second language to me. And that scared the living beejeezees out of me.

The thing is/was, as an avid, willing and unabashed Ausländer (foreigner) that reached a high level of language understanding (even though I still can’t write in it), I came to realize that I was NEVER, NEVER, NEVER-ever gonna be… A GERMAN.

And so.

There are times/moments, for shits & giggles, I open my first edition, original paperback of Das Capital and give it another go. (That’s right. Wanna know what it is to be German? Read Marx.) It doesn’t take long before I’m once again frustrated–and not only at Capitalism and the families that own all German businesses–but at the fact that I would never, never, never-ever be… one of them. Nomatter what I read, nomatter where the language takes me, nomatter how many of its women I have, all I hear when Marx or a German news broadcaster or a German actor says anything, is this:

Deutschland … Den … Deutschen … Ausländer … Raus!

Germany is for Germans and foreigners should leave.

With that in mind, it’s no wonder that I could barely save myself (from more shits & giggles) as Margot Honecker’s step-daugther, Angie Merkel, started letting refugees into Germany as though there’s no tomorrow. And don’t get me wrong, dear worst-reader. It’s not that I’m against helping others or helping those in need. War refugees, especially from wars-for-oil that the West has been fighting and profiting from since 9/11, do deserve our help. But what are these people supposed to do that come into Germany under such pretence? Wait. Do you see that can of worms I just opened, dear worst-reader?

Nomatter.

Not unlike the grandparents of North Africans that jumped the Colony-train and made their way to France, 21st century war-for-oil refugees will never integrate into German (European!) society. And before things get too out of hand with all this worst-writing, that lack of integration has nothing to do with religion. In white northern Europe (and white wannabe rest of Europe), dark skinned people are out of luck and out of power. That’s just the way it is. If I’ve learned anything since living the past quarter century in #eurowasteland, it’s how tribalism and racism can turn the collective into a fucking madhouse where the cheese and cured ham and white spargel in spring-time taste unbelievably delicious. Whooop-di-fucking-doo!

But I’m off subject. Again.

I wanted to worst-write today about the German language and not how the Germans so naively circumvent their world power by seperating their greed functioning economy from their greedier dysfunctioning a-social politics/society. Part of this discrepency lies within the German language. Ever heard the story that during America’s founding the founding fathers debated what the country’s standard language should be? Well, indeed, German was at the top of the list. But do you know why they didn’t/couldn’t pick German as America’s language? I think it was Ben Franklin that summed it up best.

“Those Germans are seedy and their language makes them so.”

-worst-writer paraphrse of Ben Franklin

It’s no coincidence that Germans aren’t funny, btw. Their language just doesn’t allow humour–at least not without great effort on the part of any drunken audience. German, unless you understand  the context, can be very vague and imprecise–unless, of course, it’s used to build things, to govern things, to write Das Capital and thereby invent authoritarian communism. Oh yeah, and there’s Germans and their elbow-attached beer halls! But let’s not get too lingui-sticky here. (Linquistics and sticky? No? Move on.)

Anywho. Let’s cut to the chase. Below are two screenshots from online news sources that I frequent. Here one can clearly see the confusion there is for those struggling to grasp the German language.

nazi slut
Typo correction, red-line, from moi.

Still, although not funny, German can be fun. One of my favorite German words is Schwer. In English it means both difficult and heavy. Although that’s not a very fun German word, try this one: “Schlampe”. Now that’s a fun German word–especially after you’ve had so many German women, been married to them numerous times, you mother is one and, well, let’s face it, you’re a bit of masochist.

The word Schlampe means many things in English. Here’s a short list:

  • Slut
  • Hussy
  • Trollip
  • The chick that has that “fuck me” look on her face
  • Hot but not marriage material
  • Untidy
  • Lazy
  • Gluttonous
  • Sloth (which I believe is where the word stems from as it was initially used by Indo-Germanic tribes as they hauled off their women by the hair into caves)
  • And last but not least: Sloppy

nazi bitch wrong translation

Indeed. One word can mean many things–depending on the context inwhich it is used. And so. With so many ways to translate something, I really, really hate it when the German language gets abused to the point where those NOT in the know mistranslate it and thereby spread misinformation–potentially hurting not only the language but human communcation.

The one word that Schlampe does NOT translate to is: Bitch.

Again. For posterity’s sake.

A Schlampe is not a Bitch.

Even in German… A Bitch is a Bitch. Woof. Woof.

Or something like that.

Rant on.

-t