This is almost a disclaimer: 1) Now that the peons of most Anglo corporations are scratching their monkey heads about where their futures are (not) going, it might be time to (re)think (a)knew. If thinking without emotional influence or monetary influence is a problem in your life, then you might want to review this documentation first with your therapist/drug dealer. 2) Please be advised that use of the “cover letter” element of this blog-post is granted as long as credit is given to worstwriter for, if not writing it, inspiring it. Credit for the job-advert that motivated this cover letter is granted only to HR personnel. And now on to the fun.
Bill Hicks, the late-great comedian, brilliantly demanded of ”marketing” people (a faction of the “corporates” – a term I’ll be using regularly not just in this post but thru out this blog) that they all go fuck themselves and then commit suicide. What a nice thought, eh? I think all corporates should do that. But that’s neither here nor there.
Digress. Oh. And. Before I forget. The compulsive labor force that makes up the American’t middle-class has so angered the upper-class that the upper-class (conservative revolution, neo-cons, etc.) has declared war. Who knows, perhaps the upper-class will find a way to dupe elections and put a moron into the presidency who represents their ideology and wears shit-kicker boots and swaggers when he walks as though he’s got a stick up his ass beyond the one that his blue-blood was born with. And after that’s done everyone will go – and I mean everyone: ”gee, how’d that happen?” But I won’t speculate too much here about American’t politics – there are other blogs for that. The problem I have is that there is something that enables and facilitates the idiocracy of the corporate run world. I believe the source of all this mindless-ness can be found in the little things that no one thinks about. Like paying your bills. I mean. Seriously. Even though you have too many bills and they are big and bulbous, paying them is a little thing. And boy does paying occupy all of your life. Am I wrong? Anywho. It is these little things that make up the whole, right? Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a class fighter – even though I am almost sure that the grandchildren of the elites that built American’t post civil war are all completely useless to society now yet are part of our current political demise. And so. There is nothing to gain in fighting the fights that so many have already fought – and subsequently lost. Again. I use the word(s) middle class lightly. And. Can you say progressive? In fact, let the upper-class have their way – they are better at it than if another class were to take their place. Seriously. Or something like that.
Note: the covers letter is first; the job advert follows.
The Cover Letter
Dearest slave driver corporate Dudettes and Dudes,
This is a response to your recent job posting (amwillingtopaytobeunemployed.com) for a Innovation Research Analyst/Strategist. This is also a challenge. I challenge you to motivate me to apply for employment to your company.
Let me start with a new concept that you have probably never heard before. The concept of work itself has been turned into a commodity. Did you know that? No? Let me try to explain in brief. Work is traded like products are traded. Hence globalization. With that in mind, working in a coal mine and getting black lung has been replaced with working for a nebulous corporation and dying from emotional distress attached to it.
So let’s break from the norm, shall we. Let me tell you what you need – as opposed to me providing only what you want so that I may fall into a privileged world of being granted permission to have any kind of standard of living bequeathed via your automated salary payments systems. You believe you want a “career professional” (code for automaton) with twelve years experience, a college degree with an awesome GPA, to include advanced degrees, of course, and the ability to answer questions with all the right answers w/out blinking an eye. Oh. And you also want all of the above from someone no older than twenty-six and a few months.
You have got to be kidding! First, making any sort of comparison between AT &T and AOL is ludicrous. That would be like comparing Nature’s invention of a horse with Man’s invention of the automobile. It is, of course, possible to compare (if one generalizes in terms of mobility and follows mindless conservative rhetoric) but then one could only ask afterwards, ok, fine, and…? AT &T is the product of governmental deregulation in the 70s. AOL is the product of whimsical nerd-fancy that just happened to catch a wave. Ok, maybe there’s your comparison: AT &T is/was about systematic governmental involvement plus the break up of a monopoly which turned out to be a great farcical business case. AOL, on the other hand, is/was systematic governmental un-involvement plus the want of a monopoly and has turned out to be a great farcical business case. Now, if one thinks in terms of Newton (yeah, Isaac), then there is something else perhaps worthy of researching here: inertia (in the context of business). That is the only thing which is comparable between these two companies born as dinosaurs. What about the service economy? you ask. Yeah, if I was motivated, I could take this issue and do the apple and orange (or horse and automobile) thing for at least three-thousand words, including lots of really cool graphs.
Oh, and what about the IBM question? This is a double… you have got to be kidding!! Without leaving too much of a conspiracy theorist trail it would be pretty easy to say that… IBM did invent windows (indirectly, of course). But in doing so your readers (or do you call them clients) might gawk at the revealing sight of a young Bill G., including pimples and tears, being turned away by slick dark suits with blue ties.
Now I have a question for you. What does … “achieving a repeatable discipline of service innovation development” really mean? (Does this have anything to do with wax on, wax off, grasshopper?) Being the casual but innovative guy that I am, in order to figure this out I went to your website. Oh, I guess that was helpful ((big grin)).
Let me help you once again gain some perspective. The service industry is not a result of industrialization. Also, it is not a natural step in the evolution (if you can use that term in modern day united mistakes) of an industrialized economy. The service industry, as we know it, is nothing more than the result of failed industrialization. If we must categorize our economy as a service economy then we must first look closely at the succession of an agricultural economy to that of an industrial economy. Personally, and adhering to the principle of not going through life blind, I don’t see how anyone can view the negative results of industrialization as a succession. Therefore, you cannot consider this so-called service economy as an economy. (This is easily verified by the numbers.) It is obvious that our service-driven, capital-based economy is a horrific failure and it is exactly that failure that all companies need to address ((slight grin)).
Best regards and good luck in your sorting of the swelling herd.
Note: Below is the original advert; I have only changed the names, etc. And. No. I never heard from this company after sending in my “resume” and cover letter.)
The Job Advert
Innovation Research Analyst/Strategist Reply to: email@example.com
Date: 2005-06-16, 4:13PM EDT This position is designed for college graduates with 1-2 years work experience. If you are qualified and interested in applying, please submit a well-crafted cover letter explaining your interest and fit for the position to some- firstname.lastname@example.org.
Why did AT &T fail to invent AOL? Why didn’t IBM invent Windows? How does Cisco handle the fact that 68 % of its equity valuation is based on revenue expectations for products and services it hasn’t even invented yet?
Somewhere LLC is a research consulting firm striving to solve such questions, which illustrate one of the most complex, yet fundamental, challenges confronting businesses today: achieving a repeatable discipline of service innovation development. Peer Insight was founded to articulate a new science, a new set of disciplines, to under- stand innovation in services industries. Leveraging our understanding of service innovation, service strategy, and customer experience design, we work directly with senior executives from Fortune 500 corporations to help them navigate the shift from products to services and compete in the booming services economy.
We’re looking for a passionate, intellectually-curious, critical thinker to join us, particularly one eager to take on more responsibility, challenge, and growth opportunities than you might expect to find elsewhere. You must be keenly interested in business strategy and in helping businesses devise creative solutions to the wrenching macro-economic changes confronting them. Candidate will have within 1-2 years professional experience, preferably in a business, consulting, or research environment. Undergraduate degrees in business or liberal arts welcomed.
The successful candidate will be an analytical thinker, sharp and confident at engaging senior Fortune 500 executives in conversation on the critical business challenges of the day – and capable of gleaning original insights and concepts from those conversations. A demonstrated ability to synthesize large amounts of information, distill it down to key findings, and argue a point of view persuasively with colleagues is required. Individual must have a proven ability to present ideas and data with ease in all mediums: visually, verbally, and in writing. Candidate must be well-read and conversant in business strategy and terminology. Candidate must demonstrate specific research skills, including an adeptness at developing research frameworks that yield statistically and qualitatively meaningful insights. Experience with web design, database integration and development, and/or desktop publishing a plus. Must know the Microsoft Office suite, including Power Point, inside and out.
The Somewhere LLC Innovation Research Analyst/Strategist will participate in client research interviews and help develop research frameworks and hypotheses, and develop reports and presentations therefrom. The analyst will rapidly become an innovation expert and will be invited to contribute to the development of Somewhere LLC intellectual property. Analyst will assist in development of Peer Insight executive education symposium and workshops. Candidate will be welcomed to grow within the organization and quickly assume more challenging responsibilities.
As Business Week wrote in the editorial of its March 21, 2005 issue, Many of the best jobs in the future will be found in the sweet spot where design, customer understanding, and emerging technologies come together for businesses. That’s what you’ll find at Somewhere LLC. We’re committed to delivering a richly-rewarding professional experience for our employees, and welcome applicants who are committed to professional, personal, and academic growth throughout their lives. In addition to being a superb analyst, the successful candidate will be an entrepreneur at heart, who can thrive in our collegial culture. We endeavor to make a real difference in our client’s lives and each other’s.
Job location is so-n-so, USA Compensation: Very Competitive…Based on Experience
Please apply with Cover letter and resume.