Subtitle: How Not To Get A Job
Oh, the nonsense. Who wrote it best? That would have to be Henry David Thoreau. My man. Wish I had the balls to live in hut and eat tree bark. Wish I had a friend who would afford me the land on a lake. One of my favorite HDTs:
”The opportunities of living are diminished in proportion as what are called the means are increased.”
What does HDT exactly mean by that? I think he means there ain’t no opportunity no-more. Period. I believe him more and more. I’m unwilling to submit myself to the McJob culture of modern times so I have been unemployed since the year of our lord 2001. I mean, employment is the ’means’, right? Or is buying the ’means’? Wait…
I haven’t bought a new pair of pants in three years. It’s the year of your lord 2006 and I’m actually sewing holes in throw-away-society socks bought at the stores founded by Sam Walton who was so smart about the ’means’ of diminishing proportions.
Not giving up, though. Trying. For example, since I write so much, my girlfriend thought I should try and get a job as a journalist for a German periodical, writing in English of course. Here’s what we put together as part of the material to promote my skills. Kind of silly, I know, take it with a grain of salt or the spit of a frog. My girl wouldn’t let me send it though because she said it was
2. not serious
INTERVIEW QUESTIONS & ANSWERS – GET A JOB AS A JOURNALIST FOR A GERMAN PERIODICAL WRITING IN ENGLISH OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
”Für mich ist Tempo nicht entscheidend”
Ich bin Blindtext. Von Geburt an. Es hat lange gedauert, bis ich begriffen habe, was es bedeutet, ein blinder Text zu sein: Man macht keinen Sinn. Man wirkt hier und da aus dem Zusammenhang gerissen. Oft wird man gar nicht erst gelesen. Aber bin ich deshalb ein schlechter Text?
SPIEGEL: Would you like to work for Spiegel’s influential and growing English site? TGS: Sure.
SPIEGEL: Are you a native English speaker?
TGS: Does the Pope wear a funny hat?
SPIEGEL: Are you a gifted writer with several years of professional editorial experience and extensive knowledge of international politics and cultural trends?
TGS: Well… not really. But… I produced a book once for a mid-sized (and very old) German software company. The book is called Electronic Business. I managed the whole production of the book. I was also asked to write an article for the British magazine Knowledge. Yeah, I did it during that the dotcom stuff you know the stuff the Germans never quite understood.
SPIEGEL: Are you fluent in German?
TGS: Scheiflt ein Bür im Wald?
SPIEGEL: Do you possess a minimum of three years of professional experience in print or online journalism?
TGS: Sorry. You might want to let me slide on that one. You see, Im like Germanys worst nightmare. I know you guys like the back of my. I also know that which made you. Its kind of like looking at yourself through the eyes of your maker.
SPIEGEL: Pardon the bad cultural analogies, but are you someone who constantly flips the channel between Phoenix and Arte and is as comfortable reading Goethe as Wladimir Kaminer?
TGS: Your analogy would probably work better if you contrasted Arte with a Privatsender. Goethe bores the hell out of me but I did read some of his stuff. I prefer Die Leiden des jungen Werther. Vladimir who? Ok, I looked him up. Reminds me of a former Russian friend of mine, also named Vladimir, who came over at the same time as your friend. I produced a few plays with him as director and royal pain the ass. Yeah, those Russians today… they should better concentrate on doing things that might be interesting to the world instead of coming over here to finally afford 4-ply toilet paper. SPIEGEL: We look for a person with a great knack for editing, writing, reporting and translation. TGS: Good for you.
SPIEGEL: In addition, candidates must be capable of paying rigorous attention to detail and have the ability to work independently in a fast-paced newsroom with daily deadlines.
TGS: Deadlines, and meeting them? I did that at McKinsey. I can deal with editorial pressures. SPIEGEL: Candidates with Internet savvy will be given strong preference…
TGS: I worked intensely on the installation and development of an e-commerce platform for Philips in
Amsterdam, Stuttgart and Stockholm. I was also the Internet guru for the consultancy Booz-Allen- Hamilton. Now look at me… I’m writing this weblog.
SPIEGEL: Would you be willing to work as a freelancer as well?
TGS: Sure… I’m so willing all you have to do is ask and I’m on my knees or bent over – which ever way you cho(o)se…