Although warranted every day in this day and age… there will be no jokes today. (For those who don’t get it… see date of this post.)
Being a voluntary Bible reader – but let me add here that I am at the most an atheist and at the least a still very confused deist–I like parables. Then came the wacky Christian Right of America and suddenly I felt myself a bit out of place. So I gave up parables and turned to anecdotes. To be quite frank, I never knew what an anecdote was till one day it was jammed down my throat. Some teacher told me this neat little story – which I can’t remember – and then said it was an anecdote. I turned to her and said, But that sounded like a parable. That’s almost the same thing, she responded. But we are in a university here. We don’t use parables, she added. I enjoyed how Jesus tried to talk to stupid people, you know, so that stupid people could understand his message. Very strategic, that fellow, I used to say to myself–even though I never really understood a fuckin’ thing he was trying to say. It was just, growing up with a god who actually tried to talk to you was kinda cool. When I finally learned that an anecdote was nothing but an elitist parable, thanks to that really accepting and tolerant teacher, well, hey, what the heck, I dig anecdotes now.
Perhaps a bit long, I consider the excerpt below from my new story Gloria to be an anecdote. I’ll use these very short stories in my writing to allow myself to break away from the structure and system required to actually mold a much longer piece of prose. The biggest problem I have with writing is organizing it all. You know, the actual process of getting it from head to paper. I don’t think I was intended for this sort of thing – hence, (worst)writer. Still, press on. If you’re interested, here’s another anecdote of mine.
Time’s Story To Kev & Tom
Text example from my story Gloria.
As you know, I am not the best speaker, Time said. But I am the best thinker among the elements of the universe. The situation at hand requires any amount of control that we can muster. Are you both with me? Just nod your heads. Good. Now. There are two reasons that this is happening today. One of those reasons is very simple. It is against all known and established rules of the universe that two men die while fighting each other over the same woman. One of you may die, that’s fine. The simple fact is, if you both continue on this path you break many a’ rule – and upset a few elements, too. Is that clear? Good. Now. The second reason I am here is to pose to you both a question. Before I do that I will tell you a little story. OK? Just nod your heads. You don’t have to ring your minds to try and accommodate me. I know pretty much what you’ re thinking anyway. OK? Good. I’m going to tell you the story of Ey. When I’m finished with the story I’m then going to ask you a question. Understand? Good. Tom? Don’t worry about Kev’s knife. We have that under control. Again. When I’m finished telling you this story I’m going to ask you both a question and you then must answer it. OK? Good. Here we go. Please consider that the story of Ey is not to be taken lightly and there are many in the natural universe that have failed at trying to understand it. It’s not that it’s a complicated story but it is one of, let’s say, variety. Generally speaking, we know variety is not one of the windows out of which man tends to look. You follow me? Good. The story of Ey was originally a story of love. But we had to change that a bit because of some dissension among other elements. Instead it became a story of cooperative manipulation. You know, friendly coercion, hereditary privilege, all that. Still with me? Good. Ey was given the gift of life long before Man. At the time it was quite a task for us elements to converge and coordinate in giving Ey form but in the end we were able to pull it off. We decided that Ey would be a small creature. It would have two legs, two wings–although I must tell yon that I and Space were against the wings–it was all the idea of energy and mass, the weak and the strong force, etcetera. Anyway. Of course it also had a head, two eyes, a mouth, etcetera and to communicate it would chirp. What’s that, Tom? Think that again–I missed it the first pass. Oh. You want to know why we gave it the ability to chirp. Just keep in mind that we were at the beginning. That’s right. The beginning of everything. But get this. This is good. In order for Ey to move we decided that its head would have to move in collaboration with its feet. A great idea, really. That way it couldn’t, you know, since we gave it a head and everything, it couldn’t intellectually or physically get away from itself. Still with me fellows? I think that’s one of the funniest parts of the story. Oh. Would you believe at the last minute an element suggested that our new creation be fluffy? We had to kind of throw that in. OK. Do you guys have a picture of Ey? Nod your heads. Good. Now that Ey had form we had to give it purpose. Tom? You OK? You’re starting to look strained. Try to relax. Stay with me now. So. The purpose given Ey was to traverse the universe and then find its way back to where it started. Simple enough, won’t you agree? Ey was even given free rein which meant it could use any means necessary to fulfill its purpose. Before we knew it the little bugger was off. I’m telling you it was a frisky little thing and cute as a button. It jumped across galaxies, hitch-hiked on the back of comets, found a way to rest while hanging on to some asteroid field. It was great. But then, suddenly… Pay attention you two, this is important. Suddenly, in a single flash of Time that’s me, ha, ha–it arrived at a crossing. This wasn’t just any crossing. It was a crossing of … How do I put this? You see there is only one thing that all the elements agree on. It’s really very simple. All the elements agree that everything is connected. Do you know what I ’m talking about? Kev? You’re the scientist here. Good. But there are certain things that even the elements do not control. This all part of the complication between Nature and Elements. But I don’t want to lead us astray here, we’ll get into that some other time. Still with me? Good. Now. I think that today you would liken the crossing that Ey reached with something like… Quantum mechanics. Now don’t panic. The reason I say that is because, ultimately, Ey could have easily crossed. But he didn’t. The reason he didn’t, we think, is because he couldn’t see the other side. Remember now what I told you about Ey’s form. The head, feet coordination thing. All of us at elements headquarters were aghast. How many of these bloody living things do we have to make! No matter what we did, what we made, the living things always get stuck. And most recently they all get stuck at this stupid fuckin’ crossing. Ok. Excuse my French, there. So there Ey stood. It was still, I mean motionless, as if it were dead. After a few millennium we bagged it. I mean, we left it. I used to always say in such situations: Time to move on. Ha, ha. And we all did. But then, one day, the elements are all hanging out and suddenly Ey appears. There it is all cute and cuddly and fluffy. Some of the elements got pissed. Where the hell did you come from!, they would ask. How could you be here if you haven’t fulfilled the purpose we gave you, others asked. I mean, come on, think about it. We lost sight of Ey, frustrated that it didn’t fulfill its purpose and so we left it–we channeled our attention elsewhere. Now. Does either of you understand the implications of Ey suddenly appearing as though it had fulfilled its purpose? Granted, some elements could have hung around a bit longer–it’ s not as though all of us are busy all the time. But none did because we have been through this many times before. Create the living, give it all a purpose, hang out and be entertained and then wait for it to reach a crossing and then your eyes pop out from boredom. What? What was that, Tom? Think slowly and I’ll eventually get it. Oh. What does all this have to do with a story of manipulation? Well, like I said, if you were paying attention, initially this was a story of love. We changed the premise to manipulation and all that other stuff because there are elements that are simply incapable of love. Just not in their Nature–if you know what I mean. When Ey appeared, though, it sent shudders through the universe. And do you know what happens when the universe shudders? That is right. Nature awakens–and she’s not pretty when she doesn’t get to sleep-in. In fact, ever since Ey returned, putting some elements into a state of shock, Nature hasn’t been able to sleep-in anymore. Are you guys following me here? Come on. I’m almost finished. In order to have some peace from a forever bitching and moaning Nature, the elements got together and came up with a plan that would stop the shuddering of the universe and finally give Nature a chance to sleep-in. Some elements, though, said the hell with it and they didn’t care if the universe shuddered or not. There were also elements that said because Ey quit that we should just throw it in a black-hole or something like that. But then my friend Space stepped in and set everyone straight. Everything is connected, Space said. Even though we are dysfunctional with Nature, we are all still connected to her in one way or the other. Let us recognize our doing this one time and get involved with what we have created. There was a few millennium of silence in the hall of elements… Oh, sorry. In the universe. But then everyone finally agreed. You see, if we didn’t somehow agree then the universe would stop evolving and we run the risk of having more problems like we have with Ey and Nature will forever be a sour puss. Still with me fellows? Kev? Tom? Nod. Good. Do you see where this story is going? We created Ey, gave it a purpose, it was off and then … By defa
ult, in order for Ey to have returned from fulfilling its purpose it had to have done something at that crossing. Remember the Quantum thing that made you shudder? It makes Nature shudder as well. I tell you, she hates it. She hates it more than most men do. Anyway. For the first time, and this is a pretext for this story, the elements lost track of creation because of this stupid fluffy thing. We want to get back on track, we want once again to partake. Most importantly, we want that bitch Nature to get a good nights sleep and, if possible, someone serve her breakfast in bed. Now. That’s the end of the story. But it is not the end of purpose. I’m going to leave you both but before I do I want you to focus. Pull all your strength together, reach deep into your consciousness, go mining for it. I know that neither of your egos want to hear this but there is a lot depending on you two. I suggest you face that fact. Trust me when I say that your every action has meaning and purpose. Still with me? Good. Now. Do you have any questions regarding the story of Ey? Are you sure? OK. The elements of the universe want to stop all the shuddering. We admit that we lost touch with all that we created but we want to finally make good. Ey is among us, cute and fluffy as ever, but it’s difficult communicating with it – and that too is our mistake. We now turn to you, our greatest achievement and ask for your help. Now. Please, tell us, based on what you know of Ey. Did it cross…?
Write and Rant on.