Spoke to soon? Said this week that I’m getting too old for movies. Just finished my second one in a week. Wow. Oh well. At least I have yet another excuse for posterity as to why I’ll never finish any of my deservedly unfinished novels.
And so. Here’s a quesiton for ya, dear worst-reader: How does one make a bad movie great? Answer: ask Luc Besson. Finally saw “Lucy” last night. €4,99 rental on monopolists iTunes. Neat thing about this movie? Only half-hour download of “HD” version–which is 720p according to monopolists Apple. Almost 4Gb downloaded within the ubiquity of the Interwebnets in less than a half-hour. Wow. That’s pretty cool. Also. It was the first time I’d seen a movie visualisation of the monkey/human known as Lucy. The connection Besson makes with this anthropological discovery is really, really cool. But that is overshadowed by really, really bad movie making and, perhaps, end of the assembly-line quality control. The film begins with horrific dialogue between Johansson and her fling-boyfriend. The way he tries to convince her to deliver a suitcase for him to his drug dealing overlords borders on the absurd. A few moments later she delivers the suitcase and Korean is spoken and there are no subtitles–just blood and more bad acting. Seriously. Johansson’s acting is so bad that it’s funny. For the life of me I don’t know how Besson let this happen or did he realise in post-production that it was just too late to re-shoot? Of course, to get something out of any actor, even the most mediocre, the writing has to enable it. No. Wait. Even bad writing can be compensated with directing. Or? Yeah, that’s the ticket. Luc Besson didn’t give a shit if the acting was bad. That’s because he’s Luc Besson. I guess. Heck, even most of the special effects of the movie are so bad that there’s only one word to describe it: corny. Seriously corny special effects. Anyone remember the Superman movie where he reverses the rotation of the earth thereby reversing time? Remember how bad those special effects were? Well, Lucy special effects are even worse. But what can one do when we live in a world of monopolists that deliver 4Gb of movie in half an hour for a few Euros? And Luc B is a monopolists dictator–I mean director of his movies. Which he can get away with because he made so many great movies. I love Fifth Element because it’s such a in-your-face Hollywood movie–from a French guy. Wait. Nomatter. Lucy is a complete and utter cliché, and the only thing that holds it together is the terrible acting and the bad trip Lucy takes. That is, the drug induced, mind altering trip that Johansson takes that leads her back to the big bang and literally becoming one with the universe–but not before leaving humanity with all the worlds knowledge on a USB stick. And with all that pseudo-criticism in mind, I’m gonna watch this movie again tonight (before my rental self destructs). I love this movie. Luc Besson is the master of making bad great. And bless him for it. He could collect a bunch of old tin, galvanised trash cans, a camera, and make a movie. Hats off to him.
Rant on.
-T
worstwriter 