Tossing Crumpled Up Bills

The simple things that give pleasure. Fresh air. New pair of sneakers. The first sips of red wine. Convinced just the tip is in. Working on an old swiss typewriter. Crumpling currency and throwing it at people. Etc. Yeah. That’s about where worst-writer is these days. Pleasures beyond comprehension abound. In fact, these pleasures are so few and far between that I’ve not found the time or motivation to worst-write about them. Does that then make them über-great? Or does it diminish them to where they really belong? At the side of my broken sword? To the left of my jaundice teeth? Atop the skilled skillet of the Japanese cook inside me who can never come out because he’s afraid of eating the fresh worms that are inside us all because we are designated to spending eternity rotting in a casket? Which brings me to this worst-point: that’s why I’m getting cremated. ¶As usual, I’ve lost my way. But that’s what happens when writers for the famed The New Yorker write too many words about too little. The idear behind recent article where a reporter was able to get inside Apple’s design studio (and report on it) thrilled me. Who-ha! Even though I’m clueless to the innards of industrial design–and for the most part could careless about it–because it really should be the unspoken and hidden part of industry (just like no one needs to know how sausage is made)–I was looking forward to this article. The worst-fact is, dear worst-reader, ever since reading that silly book that was supposed to be a biography about Steve Jobs, I’ve been hoping and waiting for someone to come out with the definitive work about something other than distortion fields. Behold! I’m still waiting. ¶That said. What an article this one is (see below). It reads like a friggin book–is almost as long as one, too. And after the first few paragraphs I knew that I was in for… a disappointing treat. The only thing this article did for me was remind how Apple really makes me feel. The richest, most successful company this side of Neptune, makes me feel no different then when I’m standing next to a cow on a Nordfriesische Inseln and she takes a huge grass laden dump and all I can think about is that I forgot to put on my Burberry galoshes. I mean. Come on. Let’s stop waxing distortion field here. Obviously there is little to be said about Apple’s success. All one has to do is count the money. The company is so friggin’ successful, in fact, that it’s boring to talk about it. And not only that–but the company itself is a bore. And you must trust me here–I know what I’m talking about. Just check out this post. ¶Obviously I’m an Apple-fan-boy. Other than a short stint ten years ago where I worked for the man and had to use a PC, I’ve been using Apple equipment most of my personal and professional life. But don’t misunderstand. I do not choose to use Apple because a PC is a lesser device. I use Apple because, of all the krapp technology that we have to live with, it’s simply the best of the worst. To me, that’s a pretty low bar and should put Apple’s current success in perspective. If that doesn’t put it in perspective then allow me to offer this. ¶Apple’s real success, which is based on financials only, has less to do with its hardware and software than its ability to make the digital age accessible to everybody who wants and can afford it. This is exactly where Microsoft & Co. failed. This is exactly where Nokia failed. And it is also where Samsung, along with Google/Android, are also struggling. Simply put, iOS and the hardware it runs on is the only magic that’s happened in the tech world since the advent of the Internet itself. The PC world was never going to get more users than it had because of the inaccessibility, stubbornness and greed of the Intel/Microsoft cabal. Steve Jobs, either knowingly or unknowingly, saw through this. And that is his only true genius. The iPhone and the iPad and the corresponding closed eco-system that feeds practically every digital wish one could have and thereby providing Apple at the same time a thirty-percent cut on every purchase, is without doubt an f’n tech-age miracle. Because of this little twist that Jobs’ was able to pull-off in the tech world–i.e. making hardware and software irrelevant, instead making the user experience at a reasonable price the focus–Apple today could buy Microsoft and Intel outright and still have plenty left in its offshore bank accounts. Wow. ¶With that in mind, who gives a tinkers shit about Jonathan Ive! Seriously. What a pretentious little brit shit-bag this guy must be. And the whole friggin’ world is swooning over him because he knows how to round corners on a smart phone? Or is it because he knows the real way to say alew-minimum? No. It’s none of the above. Everybody is swooning over him because Apple has figured out a way to get gullible and deep pocketed buyers of iPhones–who usually only pay a fraction of the price of that device upon purchase because they buy them on subsidised contracts with cell phone carriers–to pay at least $350 more to attach a watch to it? Which this guy designed? Are you friggin’ serious? The iPhone is the reason I haven’t worn a watch in five years. And this pretentious shit is gonna make me want one again? ¶I stopped reading the article around part III–but wanted to stop mid Part II. Just like most stuff written about a company that has the financial means to control the solar system, this article is full of all the nothingness that only a fancy-pants from New York can write. Nothing new. Nothing real. Nothing worth reading. But then again, maybe it is interesting to hear about a Brit living in the US who still drives shitty British cars. ¶Which brings me to the premise of this worst-post, dear worst-reader. There are some simple pleasures in life that are worth worst-writing about. One of them is the desire motivated by others who consider themselves to be part of greatness when in reality they are nothing but riders on the storm. As I said, I’m an Apple fanboy. But that doesn’t mean I love this company. For one thing, I never buy Apple products new; the best way to buy them is used or refurbished. Second, their OS upgrade policies are horrific and there should be a law against making perfectly good hardware obsolete before its time (not to mention what an environmental waste such corporate policies are). In fact, I never thought I’d wish Apple would go back to charging money for its OS because at least that way we (users) could hold them responsible. And last but not least. I hate Apple Stores. I have yet to go into one and actually get some help. These stores are full of the worst form of high-nosed tech incompetence there is. And so. With this type of arrogance and corporate frivolity, more often than I should, I think about what I would do if I were to actually meet a rider of the storm. Like Jonathan Ive. Well. This is what I would do. I would take whatever currency I have in my wallet, crumple it up into a little ball, and throw it tauntingly at him. “Here! Take my money, bitch!” Ive’s and everyone that works at Apple can go fuck themselves. They are not part of anything great they are only the best of the worst where consumers must play second fiddle to the whims of corporatists, wanna-bees and automatons. The only thing Apple can claim as being worthwhile
right now is that the laurels established by Steve Jobs haven’t run out yet. Or something like that.