The Great Smoke Screen Of June


As the great conspiracy theorist worst-writer-ghandi said, and I’m pseudo-paraphrasing, “first they snark at you, then they flip you the bird, then they make lots of bad bathroom stall jokes about you and then… you lose”. Or something like that. What a month June 2015 has been, eh worst-reader! I mean, what a month it’s been for the judicial branch of government. Or. There’s marriage equality, health care, fair housing and free jujubes. Then, a former vice presidential candidate’s daughter announces that she’s out-of-wedlock pregnant for the second time after she’s been telling young girls to avoid penises and getting paid to do so in various national abstinence campaigns. Oh. And let’s not forget that some Confederate flags are being lowered and hidden in plain sight in museums. And then there was that odd but delightful interview in a garage of Barry O where he said some interesting things, especially the n-word. Indeed. A lots been going on this summer. Ok. But. For. As good as all this sounds–and if you’re a liberal skeptic like me–I’m not falling for it one bit. Something is going on here. As usual, the political situation in #americant is one-sided. That is, one side controls everything. Everything is money. As we all know the republicans and their gatekeepers, conservatives, have ruled #americant for the past (insert #) years. Why then in June 2015 is there suddenly all this “liberal” stuff being shoved down the throats of political ideologues manifested in the GOP? (Un)Fortunately I don’t know the answer to that question. And that’s a good thing. But I will worst-say this (again): something is up. The corporate run state, the corporate owned supremes, the corporate fascist society that everyone seems to love-hate is either at a cross-roads or the jujubes are spiked. I mean. Come on. People are talking about a flag–yes, the disgusting Confederate flag–when they should be talking about guns. People are talking health care when they should be talking about the insurance industry. People are talking marriage equality when they should be talking about the broken contractual failed state sanctioned institution known as “marriage”. And while all this talking is taking place–and a few people feel victorious–something is going on. But I digress. Or maybe I don’t digress. At least not yet. Let me go out on a limb here. Why all this showboating and/or smoke-screening? What purpose does it all serve? Well, here’s my worst-theory. The most important political happening–and by “important” I mean heavy, weighted, significant, really, really important–was the passing of TPP and the subsequent Fast Track Authority that accompanied it. If you thought you were screwed by the corporate state up to this point, wait till TPP starts to kick in. And now I digress. And I think it’s time for me to get a bit distracted for a while, too. Rant on. -Tommi

Links that motivated this post:

Explaining The URL

obama podcast interview.png

It was nineteen ninety-seven/eight (or around there). I was stinting (aka working, aka job jump #4) at a large ad-agency in D’dorf, Germany. I was hired as a consultant to help the business side of advertising learn something new. That new was called the information superhighway. It was also called the world-wide-web. Some even called it the internet. Most business people at the time were very weary about the internet. They knew of the rising popularity of things like email, Netscape and websites but they were clueless about how it would all fit into business/place. Although I wasn’t much of a programmer–all I knew was a bit of HTML back then–I had a knack for explaining it because at a previous jobs (job jump #3 and #2) I was something akin to being a specialist in information gathering and information sourcing. As soon as the internet got started I was using it to access information sources via usenet, gopher and FTP as far back as …. It’s been so long I can’t remember. Anyway. Even though I had interviewed at the agency for a completely different job, the masters that be, the execs, offered me a trial position as a technology application consultant, or the like. For a while it was kinda fun. I worked with the ad people trying to acquire new business or up-sell old business. I was the one that helped them formulate and integrate all this new technology krapp into their presentations. I explained things like URLs and how website addresses would soon appear on corporate letter-head. I also explained that companies would need to prepare for having an online presence, which meant they should do things like secure domain names. Etc. All the while there were those people who were laughing or claiming to know-better. “It’s just a fad,” they would say. “Why would anybody want to publish their brochure in a web… in a spider web page that they have to have a computer to read,” others would say. In fact, the negativity was so grand that I only worked that job for about a year (yeah, I was a job jumper). But get this. I worked on a new business presentation that presented to Microsoft, at their headquarters in Munich, Germany–fucking Microsoft!–that they should be putting a URL on the business cards of their employees. Seriously. Oh well. Nomatter. §Even though I haven’t had much success on the career front–the job jumping (and age) did catch up to me and I was no longer corporate employable in Eurowasteland (Germany) on account males over forty who don’t have an established “career” are dead-meat–I did learn a lot from the experience. One thing I learned: I get it. I get what technology is about. Even though the powers-that-be don’t get it–because they have nipped it in the bud as best they could post Dotcom bonanza–I’m still an avid believer in the power of openness, decentralisation, connectedness, disintermediation, etc. With that in mind, every once-a-once something in this world of technology stands out and deserves praise other than the introduction of wearables and or i-devices. §Say what you want about downloads. Napster changed the fucking world. Say what you want about search. Google is the rockstar it deserves to be. Say what you want about Podcasts. Podcasts rule! And not only do podcasts rule, but Marc Maron seems to have written his name in the stone that will be read in a thousand years with one of his recent podcasts. I mean, come on. This guy, a two-bit entertainer working out of his garage in LA, managed to nail an interview with the president of the united mistakes of #americant. And it was f’n beautiful. From the moment the podcast began all I could think about in the back of my mind was how technology got to be where it is and how a few people have stuck with it–even though they must have faced a huge amount of resistance and negativity. Don’t get me wrong. I’m an on-off listener to Marc Maron. But I am an avid podcast listener. In fact, I don’t even watch TV anymore. TV sucks. Especially here in Germany where dialogue on most TV shows sounds like it was written by a robot. But I do download shows from iTunes and other sources. But I’m off subject. Where was I? Nomatter. §What Marc Maron has done is shown that disintermediation is now the norm, technology has withstood the all-out attack on its personalisation, and the two-bits might actually have a chance to make a difference. Basic, in your garage, personal technology is now mainstream and it’s viable and there is no turning back. The Internet is not only everywhere, it is NOT wholly owned by the powers-that-be–at least not while there are Marc Marons. I was so awestruck by Maron’s interview that I listened to it one night with “loop” on and woke up the next morning as tired and sleepy as ever and started my day with yet another long, dark Germanic beer. And I thought: This is such a great thing that I have as much respect for Maron as I do for his interviewee (that’s how good the content of the interview was). And so. From an even lower two-bit that bows down to those who show/pave the way: Thank you for this podcast, thank you for keeping the faith, thank you for proving that I was right way, way back: Companies will have to put URLs everywhere and so will we. Keep up the great work. Rant on. -Tommi


WFT with Marc Maron | Podcast

How Mass Media Was Infiltrated By Internet Mavericks | ZDnet

Flags And Creepiness

Some things just give me the creeps, dear worst-reader. Like, for example, thoughts of whether or not I should still be riding. I gave up motorcycling about ten years ago. Mostly because of finances but also because of, well, it was time. I’m proud to say that when I stopped riding bikes, my last bike wasn’t a puss ride. No rag-tag motorised couch for me to take me into retirement, i.e. no Hardly Drive-able (aka Harley Davidson) to fatboy-super-glide me off into the sunset. No. I didn’t go out with a whimper when I stopped riding. Every bike I owned up to that point was a betterment of the previous machine. That is: each bike was more sportier than the last. My last bike was an Aprilia Mille and it was the best bike I’d ever owned. It was a ninety-degree one-thousand c.c. v-twin packing about hundred and twenty horses and redlining at ten and half thousand RPMs. When I gunned it, horizons would snap shut. When I hit the brakes, gravity readjusted to accommodate me. And when I was just cruising down the highway and accidentally ran over the remains of roadkill, let’s say a squirrel, the suspension on that bike was so good not only did I know I just ran over a squirrel but I also knew what nuts he ate for lunch. (Ok. Enough. This worst-post is about something more than silly motorcycle suspension. Or?)

Speaking of motorcycle suspension… and creeps.

As good as the front forks were on my Aprilia, the rear suspension had room for improvement. When buying suspension for a sportbike there really is only one option: Öhlins. The only problem is Öhlins products are very expensive. My dealer recommended a different product that wasn’t as well known as Öhlins but was just as good and, more importantly, was better priced. Ok, I thought, after looking over the shock. There was just one very serious problem with buying such a product: It’s name. It was made by a company called White Power. “It’s called what,” I asked my dealer. “White Power”, he said. “The company is from Austria and they are really, really great,” my dealer continued, pushing, wanting to close the deal. I paused for a few moments and looked back at the Öhlins shock that was priced three hundred Euros more and thought: I can’t have anything on my dream motorcycle named “white power”. So I turned to the dealer, thanked him for his help, said I’ll think about it, and then went out the door. I drove my bike home and decided to stay with the stock rear shock–until I could afford the Öhlins.

I was born and raised in the southern part the state of Maryland, USA. Maryland is an odd place. It’s odd because it is sandwiched between two of the most important states in the union, plus it boarders the nation’s capital, Washington DC. To its north is Pennsylvania, to its south is Virginia. My stepfather was raised in rural PA where I subsequently spent much of my youth visiting his family or just taking vacations there. As I got older, due to other circumstances, I spent more time in VA, even living in Norfolk for a while. And here’s the thing. Nomatter where I was outside of MD I was neither a Yankee or a Confederate–even when I tried to claim being southern by telling argumentative and über-proud Virginians that, according to the landmark known as The Mason Dixon Line, I was definitely from the south. Not that I was trying to make any claim toward the confederacy that gave #americant its greatest and most deadly conflict–from which it obviously still hasn’t recovered. No. I’m not a southerner. But I’m most certainly not a yankee. And so. Other than the proximity of my birth and a designation of citizenship, I always pretty much considered myself a skeptic when it comes to cultural heritage. For I have learned that between Virginia and Pennsylvania there is a whirlwind of hate and bigotry that in every way rivals what one can find in the darkest corners of Mississippi, Alabama and now, of course, South Carolina.

Which brings me to flags … and more creepiness.

Last year I was in VA. I was visiting my sister who lives there. One of the things that’s really hard for me to adjust to is how people can still wave that flag. And they not only wave it, they wave it proudly. You know what flag I’m talking about, don’t you worst-reader? I hate that flag. Heck, even in Europe, in Germany, I sometimes see that flag. It’s on bumper stickers or on license plate holders–sometimes it feels like its always on some young white man’s rear truck window. Drive through certain parts of all of America and it waves in front yards, it waves in your face. And it always gives me the creeps. It gives me the creeps because I know what connects that flag to so many people around the world. I grew up in its confusion, its bigotry, its… hate. Even today, in places like Virginia, USA, or Dortmund, Germany, or Charleston, SC, if you ask someone why they wave that flag their answer is (and can only be) a cesspool of creepiness. People lay claim to that flag as though whatever they say obfuscates what it truly means and represents. And that’s not enough. Not only do these people wave that flag but they wave other flags, too, like flags from apartheid South Africa and Rhodesia. White power. Holy cow! That kid who shot up that church looks like he’s twelve years old and yet he waves flags as though he is capable of understanding what they truly mean for humanity. Where does a twelve year old learn that kind of stuff? Could it be he learns it from people still stuck in the fact that they lost because, well, they deserved to lose. Hate deserves to lose. And I hate them because they can’t stop hating. OYG! Wow.

Good luck. Rant on. -Tommi

Links that motivated this post:

Girl Scouts Speak Out About Animal Abuse And Then Are Abused Because Of Their Skin Color | Think Progress

The Big Bang Theory, Season 6, Sheldon’s ‘Fun With Flags’ | YouTube

Flying The Flag Of Hate | NYT

No Jokes After Another Shooting | HuffPost

He And What Poison Was Put In His Head Planned This Even | HuffPost

Channeling Their Sex: Bernie Sanders and Eurowasteland's Greece

Can I join these two, dear worst-reader? Varoufakis and Bernie Sanders? One minute I’m watching the Greek finance minister (vid) slime up his (and his country’s) parts, prepping it for penetration, and the next minute I’m reading about a “socialist” politician running for POTUS that might actually get a few votes if it weren’t for what he wrote about sex back in 1972. Or maybe not. (Short pause.)

First. Bernie Sanders. I read the MotherJones article (link below) and the sixties influenced, nineteen-seventy-two sex article they found. Not once while reading both did I feel what obviously right-wingers feel when/if they (ever) read about sex. I mean, come on. I grew up with sexually repressed right-wingers. Combine that with a perverted sense of right and wrong and it’s no wonder that #americant conservatives are jumping through their hola-hoops regarding Bernie Sanders as though he were having sex with their/his second cousin. All for naught, of course.

Second. Yanis Varoufakis, Greece Finance Minister. The recent speech he gave in Germany regarding the forever soap-opera that is the Euro’s financial demise baffled me to no end. More on that here. I couldn’t believe what I was watching/hearing–even though I’ve been living in #eurowasteland for most of my adult life—and I have seen pornography and had bad sex. Indeed. I’ll never be able to shed my #americant upbringing—especially when I watch pornography (for empirical, scientific study, of course). In fact, I have learned to hang on to my upbringing as best I can. In this place, #eurowasteland, where it’s all about two things and two things only—pornography and taxes—holding on to my upbringing is the only thing that allows me to see through all the slime-ball #eurowastelanders like Varoufakis and his German counterparts.

Sexed 1. There are other ways to put it. But I’ll keep it at this for right now. Who is being sexed, dear worst-reader? The 4th Estate recently dug up Bernie Sanders 1972 article where he attempts to write—for lack of having something better to write in the wake of feminism, I guess—about sex. It’s quite a slimy article, if you ask me. But after reading it, I’m glad comrade Sanders wrote it. It was/is quite good and I think I get what he was trying to get at. Chalk one up for Bernie!

Sexed 2. There is only one way to put it. Varoufakis, on the other hand, is doing his best car-salesman impression—a car salesman that probably has three or four stolen teenage girls in his Belgium basement—in order to beg his owners (the banks not the Germans) from making him do what no other politician has been able to do so far: either allow yourself to be sexed or pay-up you fucking scumbag! Chalk one up for slime balls the world over!

Quote 1:

“There are no ‘human’ oppressors. Oppressors have lost their humanity.” -Bernie Sanders

Quote 2:

“History does seem to have a flare for farce judging by the way it sometimes repeats itself. The cold war did not begin here in Berlin. It began in the streets of Athens in the summer of 1944. The Euro-crisis also started life in Athens in 2010 triggered off by Greece’s debt problems. Greece was by a twist of fate the birth place of the cold war and the Euro-crisis. But the causes for both ran much wider than the streets of Athens.” -Yanis Varoufakis

The two quotes above exemplify the reality and/or seriousness of what is ultimately an attempt at saying something that is… I don’t know what it is. Yet I can’t help but feel that that something (that is trying to be said) is seriously awry in both. Sanders is trying to convey a message regarding the fight the human female must constantly face because she is the child bearer and can’t lift a car and it’s still being said long after nineteen-seventy-two. And Varoufakis conveys the reality that #eurowasteland has nothing left to give humanity because it gave all it can give in the form of slime balls who would sell their mothers for a basement vacation in Mallorca.

Or something like that.

Rant on. -Tommi


A Young Bernie Sanders Trying To Sex Up A Nation In 1972 | Mother Jones

Enough For Every American: A Bottle Of Pills

259m opioid prescriptions

Guess what I heard this morn on the Noagendashow (#730) while walking The Pug? That’s right. I heard more than an hour among three hours of two men, one being the gurlfriend, rant, rave and gesticulate about something akin to not having an “agenda”. Which is what these guys do two days a week. Whatever that’s supposed to mean. But all kidding by-side. I should probably worst-write about walking in the wee hours around the rural fields as the Colonia mist rises and a night of too much Kölsch subsides. Or would that be too boring? Nomatter. §Between the regular krapps of my dog and a few casual Guten Morgens, Guten Tags, Moin-Moin and Maat et Joot, all of which interrupt the podcast–which I don’t mind as long the apolitical gurly-men are begging for money and not deconstructing the news during the interruptions–every once-a-once these guys nail it with a bit of info that I can actually relate to. The problem is–and I don’t really care to solve this problem–is there’s rarely a match between what the Godfather of podcasting deconstructs and the sources he promotes in the show’s notes. Although Adam Curry’s technical prowess in running the Noagenda Network is something I’ve admired for quite a while, he could spend a bit more time codifying his sources. But I guess, on the other hand, I don’t listen to the show enough–because if I did maybe then I would understand his code. Or maybe not. §What I’m trying to worst-say is, every once-a-once I come across something that Curry and his west coast gurlfriend say that interests me but I rarely can match it to his sources, i.e. his show notes. Which is kind of a bummer. But I’m not complaining. I mean, I’m still a boner in their eyes–that is, I don’t donate to the show. (Not yet.) §Oh. Before I forget or get taken off somewhere by another tangent. The reason for this post? After a bit of research I found what Curry was alluding to during one of his rants about #americant. Like I said. Sometimes this boy-gurl team nails it. I mean, I always knew that the US (and most of the western world) was addicted to pharmaceuticals. Between all the junk food, the liquor and bad sex, where else should #americant turn for its kicks? Also. What the hell has all these years of “war on drugs” been about? Does anyone actually believe that it’s been about reigning in on illegal drugs and/or drug cartels in Mexico? The war on drugs, just like the war on terror, is about something completely different. The war on terror is so that #americant and the suckers that put politicians in office can terrorise those who don’t believe in The Dream. The war on drugs has been about giving the pharmaceutical companies enough leeway and time so that it could bring all those illicit drugs from the counter-culture era online and sell them through a few corporations legally. That’s why drugs like oxycontin and heroin are the same thing. That’s why we are fighting perpetual war where there’s lots of oil. Etc. With that in mind, I had no idear that the US was this bad when it comes to pharmaceuticals. Just one number, dear worst-reader. Two-hundred and fifty-nine million prescriptions were written in 2012 in the US. That’s a figure higher than there are adults. Holly molly, golly gee. Good luck suckers. Rant on. -Tommi


Opioid Painkiller Prescribing In The US | CDC


His Honesty

“His honesty about this paradox or contradiction is what determined him to write Nineteen Eighty-Four as an admonitory parable or fantasy in which ‘Ingsoc’–English Socialism–was the Newspeak term for the ruling ideology. It would have been perfectly easy for him to have avoided this crux. In the late 1940s, a dystopian novel based on the notorious horrors of ‘National Socialism’ would probably have been very well-received. But it would have done nothing to shake the complacency of Western intellectuals concerning the system of state terror for which, at the time, so many of them had either a blind spot or a soft spot.”

-Why Orwell Matters, Christopher Hitchens

Cruel And Unusual Legal Banality


8th Amendment: Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Notice, dear worst-reader, that there are three parts to the 8th amendment of the US Constitution. Is it any coincidence that two-thirds of the amendment is about money and one-third, potentially, about life? If you’re surprised at that then I suggest giving the Constitution a read. Seriously. You’ll eventually be even more surprised when you realise that the US Constitution is about one thing and one thing only–and that one thing is not YOUR freedom. In essence that one thing is… But I digress.

I spent the other night in an insomnia stupor reading the transcript from the April 29, 2015, oral arguments before the US Supreme Court from Glossip v. Gross. It is a case where petitioners are trying to get the Supremes to decide whether or not certain state sanctioned executions by lethal injection adhere to the 8th amendment. For the petitioners, lethal injection is against the 8th amendment because states are using drugs that most likely cause cruel and unusual punishment.

The lethal injection, aka the death cocktail in question, is made of the following drugs: Midazolam, Vecuronium Bromide, and Potassium Chloride. Potassium Chloride, when injected into the blood stream of most living things, stops the heart from pumping in seconds. Which is great. I mean, it works fast and it never fails. The problem is, the living thing that receives the stuff must endure excruciating pain as the drug literally forces the muscles of the heart to convulse and spasm, inducing a massive heart attack.

The second drug is Vecuronium Bromide. This drug causes whatever living thing that receives it to stop breathing by shutting down the involuntary mechanism. This too is quite a painful drug because the recipient will be aware of his or her suffocation.

In order to prevent the cruel and unusual punishment that these drugs cause, an initializing drug is administered. In this case that drug is called Midazolam. It is a nerve depressant. It is mostly used for anaesthesia. According to the transcript that I read, Midazolam cannot cause a patient to fall into a deep coma–which is what is preferred when issuing the other drugs–although it does render the nervous system numb. Because it doesn’t cause a deep coma it is possible a patient, or in this case, a man sentenced to death, might wake up once the pain of the other two drugs hits him. Oh wait. That sounds to speculative. The reality is, just last year exactly that happened while delivering this cocktail to Clayton Lockett.

The drug of choice for putting a man into deep coma and making sure he doesn’t feel anything is Pentobarbital. But get this. America doesn’t have any Pentobarbital. And do you know why? It’s not only that it can’t make the drug, but it can’t get the company that does make it to sell it. The reason for that is simple. Pentobarbital is made in Europe and European law prohibits its sale to countries that have the death penalty. Wow. You shaking your head yet, worst-reader? Well, relax for a sec and let’s have a look at what one of the supremes said.

“Yes. I mean, let’s be honest about what’s going on here. Executions could be carried out painlessly. There are many jurisdictions, there are jurisdictions in this country, there are jurisdictions abroad that allow assisted suicide, and I assume that those are carried out with little, if any, pain. Oklahoma and other States could carry out executions painlessly. Now, this Court has held that the death penalty is constitutional. It’s controversial as a constitutional matter. It certainly is controversial as a policy matter. Those who oppose the death penalty are free to try to persuade legislatures to abolish the death penalty. Some of those efforts have been successful. They’re free to ask this Court to overrule the death penalty. But until that occurs, is it appropriate for the judiciary to countenance what amounts to a guerilla war against the death penalty which consists of efforts to make it impossible for the States to obtain drugs that could be used to carry out capital punishment with little, if any, pain?” -Justice Alito

Yes. Let’s be honest about what’s going on here, Mr. Alito. This is not a constitutional issue. Nor is this an issue about legal writ regarding state sanctioned murder. Instead this is an issue about a dealth-cult-society. It is an issue about a nation-state that kills around the world with impunity in the name of oil and economic control and the unspoken: empire. It is an issue about whether or not a centralised and collective dysfunctional economy can acquire medical drugs so that, in the name of the people and those who rule those people, can kill its citizenry with impunity.

That said, dear worst-reader, yes, I’m against capital punishment. Yet when I read what went down a few weeks ago in what is supposed to be the highest court of the land, I want to cringe and barf and laugh and joke. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! This is what the judiciary of the United States does? Surprise! It gets worse.

“And I guess, I guess, I would be more inclined to find that it was intolerable if there was even some doubt about this drug when there was a perfectly safe other drug available. But the States have gone through two different drugs, and those drugs have been rendered unavailable by the abolitionist movement putting pressure on the companies that manufacture them so that the States cannot obtain those two other drugs. And now you want to come before the Court and say, well, this third drug is not 100 percent sure. The reason it isn’t 100 percent sure is because the abolitionists have rendered it impossible to get the 100 percent sure drugs, and you think we should not view that as as relevant to the decision that, that you’re putting before us?” -Justice Scalia

Quick note: Justice Scalia and Alito are literally trying to blame someone else for the cruel and unusual punishment that the Oklahoma penal system has inflicted upon another human being. Yes. It is common place today in #americant to blame others for your doings. Indeed.

So. Is it clear yet? What’s going on here? This is most certainly not about the 8th amendment of the united mistakes misunderstood constitution—that relegates life to being only a third as valuable as money (or fines or bail), although some of the arguments posed in the hearing would suggest otherwise. Indeed. This is a discussion as to why/how (sarcasm on) the greatest, most exceptional nation-state in the universe (sarcasm off), is unable to obtain two types of sure proof drugs that establish a deep coma in order that a man can be killed without cruel and unusual punishment.

I don’t know about you, dear worst-reader, but it’s pretty clear to me. The two conservative justices quoted above make it very clear in their arguments that the constitutionality of this issue is irrelevant because “abolitionist” countries are using “gorilla warfare” to sabotage the US’s right to impose the death penalty. In other words, it’s their fault that there may be cruel and unusual punishment. Which also makes it all kind of ironic. Is America exceptional or not? Why can’t America just make the drug? Oh. Yeah. It can’t make the drug because it doesn’t have the right, the patent, to do so. Go figure.

In closing and just so we’re clear on the issue of how stupid this debate is, but how fascinating it was to read the transcript, here’s a suggestion for a constitutional amendment that might help avoid this kinda krapp in the future.

Excessive ignorance imposed on the populace shall not be infringed upon as long as the will to consume and be subjugated is the new American dream. -Tommi’s 28th Amendment

Rant on. -Tommi

Links: Glossip v. Gross (pdf), A Horrorifying Day At

The Language of Everything

worst news commentary

Let’s go there, shall we, worst-reader. There is a language that is spoken. There are gestures that are made. There are actions that are taken. And there are ways to wipe the ass so that it feels like it’s being kissed. But all kidding aside. Knowing what’s wrong with EVERYTHING isn’t as hard as some would have us/you believe. Well, at least it’s easy if you put the effort into getting informed. And it’s also easy if you’re willing to understand the information. What’s difficult is if someone tries to explain EVERYTHING to someone who obviously doesn’t get it. Hence, within the news, within the vastness of information that surrounds, simple answers can be found. Beyond that, the effort of explanation is so cumbersome that one of the two parties will die-out while the other goes about his/her consume-to-survive business oblivious as the world turns. That said, allow me to provide a small hint as to why/how EVERYTHING is so screwed up and thereby avoid dying-out. Are you ready? Here it goes: They speak the same language. Their actions are the same. They have perfected the kiss-ass-wipe. So remember that next time you blame a politician or a political party or you suck-up to a political ideology that you ultimately know nothing about. Or, maybe, you sit around with a beer and think everything is A-OK. But let’s not stop there. If you need an example how EVERYTHING functions, here it is. A rich guy gives more money than God to a university that does not need it. If one takes an informed look at how the world turns based on an old, outdated paradigm, where this level of resources is exchanged within a closed loop, well, it’s no wonder that EVERYTHING is so screwed up. This kind of money and how it’s handled really does show one how things work, how they work among themselves, EVERYTHING. Or maybe not. Good luck suckers. Rant on. -Tommi

Source: Hedge fund boss John Paulson gives a record $400m donation to Harvard | Business | The Guardian

Contradiction In Bigness And Failure

There is a theory floating in the ether, dear worst-reader. Yes, it is a worst-writer theory and it’s about how/why the DotCom boom was systematically undermined in order to save the new world order. Actually, “new world order” is a misnomer. It should be called old world order. And from here on out that’s what we’ll call it. But that’s neither here nor there. §As I’ve stated elsewhere in this worst-blog, I believe that the DotCom boom was undermined by the powers that be, which culminated in a pseudo coup d’etat that secured a place for extreme political conservatism, aka Fascism, in united mistakes politics. Argue as you will, dear worst-reader, that Fascism existed before the DotCom boom and you may be correct. Yet. For the sake of this one-sided discourse, I will stand my ground. Fascism most certainly took over after it was proven in the 90s that even a short-sighted, superficial form of free-market economics, driven by stock-price manipulation and investor creativity, could lead to renewal, if not a regurgitation, of an inherently broken system. And. The powers-that-be didn’t want anything to do with such a thing. §Up until the tech-boom of the 90s, aka the DotCom boom, the united mistakes economy didn’t know where to go. So some parts of that economy found a way to be set free. Hence DotCom madness, chaos, invention. Boom! Indeed. It was a glorious time. I for one profited greatly from it. Unfortunately I still don’t know the difference between a put and call, but, again, that’s neither here nor there–as I do know what a compiler is and I can boot a Raspberry Pie with almost any Linux distro. §What’s important to understand is how/why such an undermining can 1) give a once great nation a president that raised the bar when it comes to stupidity (Dubya) and 2) make sure that creativity, chaos and invention are controlled so that the old world order is not disturbed. Indeed. §There is confusion in the world today. It is a confusion not unlike that which lead to the DotCom boom. Unfortunately the old world order did to the DotCom boom what crazed religious nuts did to knowledge through the ages: it burned the abbey to ash. Part of that ash is where the likes of Aaron Schwartz rests. In other parts of that ash you can find drug ridden remnants of Steve Jobs. What you can’t find in that ash, though, is an answer to how we deal with, perhaps comparable to the big bang, what was left behind from the single largest bump in economic prosperity since The New Deal saved capitalism from itself. Technology is obviously overwhelming us. It’s actually more than everywhere in our lives. And now that the old world order has assumed the role of earthly policeman, in part due to its control of technology, it can’t handle the beast. Hence the NSA and CIA bitch-slapping each other while a stupefied Congress moves its thumb between anus and mouth. But I digress. §Below, dear worst-reader, a few articles that caught my attention this morn. One article is about how our thumb-sucking Congress actually made a pretty decent decision recently by nay-saying a law that would allow government to control encryption. But then that goodness is contradicted by examples of how the great machine of the old world order is truly clueless to how technology really works. Yeah, baby. Rant on. -Tommi


House Overwehelmingly Passes Amendments Blocking Funding For Undermining Encryption | Techdirt

Fed Government Suffers Massive Hack Attack | HuffPost

OPM Didn’t Encrypt Data Hacked By Chinese | Politico

TPP Stands For: It's Payback Time (Or Something Like That)

When asked if I like Barry Obama I rudely respond with a question. “Are you republican?” If they say, “No, I’m a Democrat,” then I respond thus: He’s ok, but I’m very disappointed. If they respond, “Yes, I’m a Republican,” I respond thus: I love him. With that in mind, dear worst-reader, I’m disappointed in Barry-O because:

  1. He’s from Chicago
  2. He’s (obviously) naive
  3. I wanted Hillary but took him when #americant females showed how much they hate their own kind
  4. Neo-Liberalism

Which brings me to TPP and the ridiculous stance he’s taking on it. Btw, the difference between Democrat and Republican is quite simple. It is a question of fun-ideology that dates back to the founding of what could have been a great nation. But since #americant decided to go the way of the neanderthal-reactionary über-conservative mind-set post Reagonomics, its current iteration of radical politics, which should be of no surprise to anyone, is really nothing more than a big, super, über-mess that will require the same amount of time to get out of that it took to get in to. Barry-O is literally stuck between a rock and, well, being from (schooled neo-liberal) Chicago. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not generalising here. Of course I don’t mean all Chicagoens. Actually I mean just one: Milton Friedman. Friedman is the father of the economic ideology that has perverted politics for the better part of the last thirty years. And nomatter how bad Friedman’s economics are, no one seems to get it. And since no one seems to get it–or has never gotten it–it’s payback time. All of the “business” that has sold-out the country has to be paid for–eventually. Eventually is now. Hence, Barry-O can’t rationalise the true meaning of the TPP–nor could his predecessor Bill-O with NAFTA. The TPP (and NAFTA), btw, is not a trade agreement but is instead a treaty among a few powerful economies and a few fledgling, wannabe, weak economies. Good luck suckers. Rant on. -Tommi

Source: Backlash Against TPP Grows as Leaked Text Reveals Increased Corporate Control of Public Health | Democracy Now!

Great Unknown Men

“The greatest men in the world have passed away unknown. The Buddhas and the Christs that we know are but second-rate heroes in comparison with the greatest men of whom the world knows nothing. Hundreds of these unknown heroes have lived in every country working silently. Silently they live and silently they pass away; and in time their thoughts find expression in Buddhas or Christs; and it is these latter that become known to us. The highest men do not seek to get any name or fame from their knowledge. They leave their ideas to the world; they put forth no claims for themselves and establish no schools or systems in their name. Their whole nature shrinks from such a thing. They are the pure Sattvikas, who can never make any stir but only melt down in love.”

-Swami Vivekananda, from the preface/citation of Henry Miller, The Air-Conditioned Nightmare

The Willing

As an Aussteiger and high-flyer I have the privilege of being both a witness and a passenger. Don’t blame me, dear worst-reader, for having found the formula for comfort and pseudo-luxury–which, btw, I found before I turned fifty. Also, don’t ask me how it’s done. Just keep this in mind, the luxury of being worst-writer found me more than I found it–which may mean that it’s out there for all to have if only ALL would allow it. But then again, finding your Karma isn’t finding my Karma, is it? Nomatter. §It really gets to me when I read articles like the one below. The article is such a downer, man. I mean, that type of writing is a real thorn in my world POV. But then again, it’s rare that I read the WSJ to begin with. The WSJ is most certainly one of those forms of mass propaganda that many more should avoid–if they/you can. Since we live in a world that is obviously dependent on propaganda (because so few humans can actually think for themselves) I suppose making such a claim from a single, void-based voice as mine doesn’t mean much. Which may also mean that I’ll wait for posterity to thank me for what I’m about to worst-say. But. Again. Nomatter. §The article below was referenced the other day in a podcast I was listening to from an American Marxist professor of economics who I think should start calling his listeners/students comrades. Comrade Professor Wolff commented on what Warren Buffett says in this op-ed and as soon as I got back from my pug-walk I pulled the earbuds from my ears, gently placed my ageing iPhone 4S on the counter and grabbed a Bier and then looked up the article. Oh my! §In the article below Warren Buffett, a man with a whole bunch of money–all, btw, earned by speculation–claims to know everything there is to know about why the rich are rich and the poor are poor. The article, of course, is propaganda regarding his view of economic policy that he thinks should be implemented by law, i.e. the Congress, i.e. the US Government. IMHO, there should be a law requiring a warning label on such articles. Perhaps a warning label in the form of a watermark. Yeah. You know. PROPAGANDA should be behind the dismal black letters but in front of the optimistic and blinding white background. But I’m drifting. §Warren Buffet, for his believers, claims to know the reason as to why there are rich people and why there are poor people. And since he is a self proclaimed leader of the compulsive behaviourists of the world (i.e. careerists, corporatists, automatons, bureaucrats, etc.) there are few out there that will counter his propaganda. And so. Without further ado. Like the people that want to be preached to by Warren Buffett, I stake the claim that this article is so full of shit that it’s no wonder #americant can’t get out of the rut it’s been in for the past <fill in # years here>. Or let me try to say that differently. Warren Buffett seems to think that there is a comparison between the rich of Henry Ford (robber baron) and that of Steve Jobs (robber barron). But does it really matter that there is a comparison–a comparison of dollar value? He also believes the adage that “hard work” and people who are “willing” (i.e. The Willing) can somehow get great lives if only there is a law made that manipulates taxes. Seriously Warren Buffett? §And there you have it, dear worst-reader. All the answers as to why things are so truly fucked up. There are rich people, there are poor people, there are those that work hard and there are The Willing. Oh yeah. And don’t forget taxes. Having the right tax policy will fix everything. Wallah! But I digress.  Indeed. Rant on. -Tommi

Better Than Raising The Minimum Wage | WSJ – Warren Buffett

Another Reminder of What's Wrong With Everything: Self-Promotion

no self promotion comment sections.png

I get it. I get it. But obviously there are so many that don’t get it. (Or is it me?) Nomatter. (They) stay stuck in the past. (They) stay stuck in out-dated paradigms. (They) hang on to rules and authority because it’s the only thing they know. They are afraid of spam and trollers, bad things and creativity because some of it–all of it–might be part of the open Interwebnets. And you’d think that certain websites would be able to catch on. There are ways to prevent spam, trolling, etc., aren’t there? But worst-writer say: let it all lose. And so. I was just trying to post something that would lead to my comment. Why? Because it’s my comment–not yours, jerk-offs–and that’s why I host my own blog. That’s what made these Interwebnets what it is today. Comment sections did not make this vast community of vulgar and beauty. Indeed. It’s just a comment section and yet it’s ruled by suckers of authority who heed rules and guidelines and jerking-off because it’s all they know. Which is fine. It was just a comment from a blog post I wrote and the rest of it was available for any comment reader that wanted to follow the link. But I digress. Everybody needs to make a living or justify their existence–website comment administrator that can only do what s/he is told. And why does this, dear worst-reader, remind me of other forms of abused and absurd authority? Could it be because there’s a problem in the world of… Gee. I don’t know. Mass communication? There is seriously too much authority out there that can’t get a grasp on how the world really works? And they have guns and the ability to send out stupid emails to registered users. I guess we need people like the website comment moderator that sent me this just like we need cops that feel the need to prove their worth and value by gun-slinging and throwing bikini-clad girls to the ground and them sitting on them as if to earn a trophy–because they don’t know how the world works. And if you can’t handle the comparison, fuck off. Or maybe not. I mean, if a website reporting news about technology can’t figure out how to manage comment sections without sending people this kinda krapp (see pic above), then what chance do the rest of us have? Oh. Yeah. I guess we all should get our own websites. MacRumors is on my shitlist (again) and this might be the last time I try to post a comment with them. Yeah, baby. And. Rant on. -Tommi

Two Ways To Watch The Embarrassment

crumpled currency

Just watched Apple WWDC 2015. Recommendation: if you want to watch it, watch it with the commentaries from Leo LePorte & Co. have a blast making fun of goliath Apple and its inability to be stunning. I suppose I’m not shocked at how boring Apple has become. I’ve been through this before in the 90s. With that in mind, every presentation that Apple gives us proves only that Steve Jobs is dead. And so. There is no… long-live-steve-jobs. The corporate automatons that have taken over Apple as though it was a fraternity on a elite university campus is stunning in and of itself. The people that got up on stage to talk to developers over and over almost made me sick. What a bunch of creepy looking freaks. They bleed, secrete, ooze slime as good as any cigar smoking, grease laden used car salesman. But that’s neither here nor there–for I got a bucket this time while watching the freak-show. Anyone remember that super-model that got up on stage during Apples last presentation? OYG! That worst-said. I have another problem with goliath Apple and its ability to un-stun. I am now, officially, a lost fanboy. What am I gonna do with all this Apple equipment that seems to have no attachment to what corporatist Tim Cook–the Ringo Starr of silicon valley–and his minions presented yesterday? All the updates that they promoted in OS X were/are already available on other platforms–not that I use Safari anyway. And the rest of the OS continuity stuff is bullshit because I don’t have a mac newer than 2011. The only thing that looked promising was Metal. But get this. Metal is a way for Apple to avoid spending any money and/or going the route of developing decent graphic hardware for the Mac. Apple is stuck with having to take what it gets from Intel for its Mac products. It’s obvious that it’s not happy with GPU offerings so it compromises and takes what it can get. I mean, seriously, Intel graphics suck. But if you want decent graphics something has to give. This is why MacPros, MacBookPros, etc., are really so expensive. A truly “professional” product has to have a good GPU. Apple is not going to redistribute its profit margins by subsidising GPUs from AMD, Nvidia, etc. Metal is a way to get around that reality. Again. Corporatists take the ugly easy way instead of the beautiful hard way. Or maybe not. Who the fuck cares. The reality is: I’m on my own with all my old obsolete equipment. And just like the 90s when I first gave up on Apple, history is repeating itself. Move forward without the resources of anything new & improved, worst-writer. All will be well. At least we’ll have the memory of how Apple was great twice. And so. Steve Jobs is dead–long live obsoletism. (Sarcasm off.) Anywho. Does this mean I am regretting late 2011 decision to go full #Apple? As of #wwdc15, yes. And new AppleMusic presentation was/is embarrassing. Oh well. Who else can I throw crumpled up money at for my digital life. Google? Linux? Yeah, there are alternatives. Rant on. -Tommi

Fascist State vs Fascist Society

smoking fascism

Why is it, dear worst-reader, that no one can actually just come out and say it? I really don’t get it. Is it because no one really knows what it is or have forgotten what it is, which makes saying it impossible? Or is it because it’s already been done, that is, it’s already been defeated and therefore cannot be reborn, so, again, it’s not worth saying? Nomatter. Here it goes. I’m worst-saying it: we are living in fascism. With that in mind, let’s try to worst-define it, shall we. For I have found that defining fascism takes a bit of effort. Oh my.

Fascism was first used in the totalitarian right-wing nationalist regime of Mussolini in Italy (1922–43); the Nazis in Germany and Franco in Spain were also Fascist. Fascism tends to include a belief in the supremacy of one national or ethnic group, a contempt for democracy, an insistence on obedience to a powerful leader, and a strong demagogic approach. -a dictionary somewhere

Is that really a definition for fascism? Sounds kinda lame to me. But perhaps there’s more to just defining a word or an idear. I mean, can you define green? As we all know, like life, political systems evolve. Is it possible, like a virus or a gene, that this political system evolved so that it could survive even though it was defeated in 1945? Wait. Who/what was defeated in 1945? One of my favourite quotes regarding fascism is by the comedian George Carlin:

The Germans lost the war but fascism won.

And then there’s Umberto Eco’s definition(s) of fascism where he simply outlines fourteen ways of identifying it. In light of what’s happening in America since the invention of the right-wing propaganda network faux newz, I particularly like Eco’s definition where he  clearly states that a fascist speaks newspeak: “fascism employs and promotes an impoverished vocabulary in order to limit critical reasoning.”

Pretty scary stuff, eh worst-reader? The good thing is, well, at least we did defeat the dictators that latched on to this political ideology in 1945. The bad news is, fascism–like any living organism–has evolved. Boy has it evolved! In fact, it is so alive & well that it takes a trained, honed, precise academic eye to see it. Or maybe not. And so. I ask/answer the question: do we live in a fascist state? (Sarcasm on.) Long live the fascist society. (Sarcasm off.)

Below a published academic paper that I recently came across that blew my mind. Not one time is fascist or fascism mentioned in this paper. Yet after reading it I couldn’t help but dry-wipe my face, take a deep breath and then sigh with remorse contradicted by relief. Indeed. The fascist-states of Italy, Germany and Japan were beaten to a pulp by 1945. But ultimately the political ideology that gave the world the political leaders of those countries survived. I don’t know if I should applaud or throw myself off a building because this is so obvious–yet no one can speaks its name. Something is hiding in plain sight, dear worst-reader. And what is made very clear in the paper is that after studying 1,779 policy issues throughout the American political system, and I quote:

Analysis indicates that economic elites and organised groups representing business interests have substantial independent impacts on U.S. government policy while average citizens and mass-based interest groups have little or no independent influence.

That is obvious, right? I mean, of course that happens. Of course economic elites and organised groups represents business interests and influence government policy. It happens everyday. It’s been happening since… a long time. It’s like breathing. Right?

With your indulgence, dear worst-reader, it’s now time for Tommi’s, aka worst-writer’s definition of fascism. Fascism was the answer to communism. Fearing the almost miraculous Bolshevik revolution that did its best to reinvent the French Revolution on Russian soil, European capitalists quickly saw the potential of the downfall of the Tsars and the rise of political ideology that was very threatening–to capitalism. The answer to this was/is simple: align nationalism with business. These two elements of society would govern everything in their own best interests and do so with dictators. And we all know what happened to those dictators.

Mussolini 2nd from left.

But I must say, George Carlin really got it right. This political system has evolved beyond belief. In fact, it’s evolved so well that no one is even capable of speaking its name. At least THEY can’t speak its name in academic papers published in academic journals that are read by elite academics–and worst-writer. And so. With that in worst-mind, we are not living in a fascist state. No. That was defeated. (Sarcasm on.) Long live the fascist society.


Testing Theories of American Politics: Elites, Interest Groups and Average Citizens | (pdf)

Good luck suckers. Rant on. -Tommi

Fail Upwards Galore

Why does it feel like telecom carriers are consolidating out of fear? What are they afraid of? Why can’t T-Mobile or Verizon make a logical consolidation? Don’t get me wrong. I think consolidation at this level should be prohibited. Let’s not get into that, though. I actually like T-Mobile. When I travel home I always use its pre-paid service, even in areas where it doesn’t have good coverage. Call me a loyal customer–or maybe not. Who gives a krapp about companies that, ultimately, have proven that the only thing they know is how to abuse customers? Yet. Why can’t a fairly creative company like T-Mobile–that I admire for how it has stood up to the industry monopolies it competes with–merge with a company that is actually relevant to its business? The one good thing about the silliness of shareholder driven corporate entities is that their actions speak more than their knowledge or vision of business. But I guess it takes a trained eye to actually see that. (You’re welcome, dear worst-reader!) Which brings me to the following worst-writer pseudo conclusion. I can’t help but wonder if a company like Apple is a major reason for this level of mindless (illogical) corporate consolidation. Full disclosure: I’m almost a total Apple fanboy. As far as tech goes, all I use is Apple. Do I use Apple because I love the company? Not quite. ;-) But the reality is, my better half and I made a household decision a few years back to do our own version of consolidation, which we consider to be very logical. We decided, due to our increasing use of technology, that we were tired of hardware incompatibility, we wanted continuity with our digital content and we wanted cool shit. Apple is truly a creative business that knows how to profit from meeting—at whatever minimal level—the needs of its customers. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that Apple has mastered the fact, counter to the #americant ideal, that it doesn’t matter what customers want or need. Instead just make great products–that friggin’ work. (Just don’t tell anybody that if my better-half wouldn’t notice the difference, I’d consider switching our tech world to Google someday.) But, as usual, I’m off subject again. §No other company in my lifetime has done so much with its business than Apple. Compared to other tech companies, i.e. telecoms, Microsoft, etc., who have comparatively failed in their business models, current mindless telecom consolidation wave is just another example of the doom and gloom of how US business, all of which is run by the same college grads who speak the same language and nuances, is a perfect example of corporate fail-upwards most of which is driven by locomotion and not creativity. But I digress. Rant on. -Tommi

US Media,  Telcos Hooking Up | Financial Review

Dish In Talks To Merge With T-Mobile | Reuters

Verizon Bets On Video Ads | NYT


Iron Irony

They are finally removing those locks from that Paris bridge. You know, the locks that are supposed to represent girls being princesses swept off their feet by dunce princes with the square chins and riding white horses. Yes. So much is the mindset of a (western) world raised on the whims of money makers and jesters. And speaking of jesters. What a gesture for humanity Parisians are giving us–again. I wonder if most people get it, though. I mean the irony of removing those silly locks and the past we live in. Even though I travel to Paris quite a bit, and I love the bridge with the silly locks–on account I’m entertained by all the goo-goo-eyed girlies that swarm around and over it–am I the only one to see the irony here? I mean, come on. With their history in mind, it makes sense for the French to make this first gesture in the quest for rational thought and rational living. And I love the French for it. But do the French go far enough? You know, I love the French for giving us the French Revolution. Even though, ultimately, in the end, they really kinda screwed it up. But that’s neither here nor there. The point is, how come someone else can’t behead some worthless, slime ball royals and rid us of the burden of monarchy outright–or at least get rid of outdated, patriarchial institutions that literally serve no purpose other than to make half the species live in misery? That’s right, I’m worst-looking at you less than great Britain–on account you guys have never been able to follow French wisdom. I mean seriously. Talk about living in the past. Brits still worship a monarch. Can you believe that! Anywho. I wanted to talk about the French. Oh yeah. If it wasn’t for the French, Etats Unis would never have won that silly war of independence. But I’m off subject again, eh. Anywho. §What is it they say about love? Love is like floating around the ocean while attached to a block of iron and the only reason it hasn’t sunk you is because it hasn’t fallen off the deep end–yet. No? Or did I mix that one up with the ball & chain thing? Ok. How ’bout this one: Love is the difference between done and finished (see quote from silly pop-stars below that are getting hitched). Or wait. Maybe it goes like this: Love is not a two way street–its the 405 in LA during rush hour. Ok. Enough. And. Nomatter. §What I am worst-writing about, motivated by the links below, is that I think there need be NOT a fight for equal rights on the legal and moral issue of marriage. But instead there need be a paradigm shift that in essence will, at best, free half the human species. Indeed. One good thing has come from the mass coming-out in my lifetime of LGBT people around the world. I am thankful to these people for exposing better than anyone in human history the cesspool that is life ruled by authority, subjegation and ignorance all somehow pre-established by mostly white males who hang on to patriarchy like they hang on to their #*?+s. §With that in mind, allow me to offer up some worst-wisdom regarding love and other transactions for those, IMHO, that are seeking equal rights where there are none and have never been. Instead of fighting for equal rights in order to access something that is obviously a failed human precedence, i.e. the institution of marriage, why not fight for something that changes the paradigm? The only legal issue that need be considered in the transaction of love–and yes, in its modern iteration, love, romantic-love and its legal culmination known as marriage, is a transaction–is when it’s about children! That goes for both hetero and homo off-spring. Anything other than children in a discussion about equality is just jibberish, arrogance and hanging on to the past that we need to put behind us. But I digress. Rant on. -Tommi

Paris Love Locks Removed In Order To Save Humanity | The Guardian

Divorced? You May Be Able To Rip Spouse Off Still | HuffPost

Don’t Worry I Didn’t Even Read This Article It’s So Stupid | HuffPost

Vatican Proves Once Again It’s A Bastion Of Hypocrisy And Bigotry | BuzzFeed

Tommi's Dive Log

I’m a reef diver. They say reef divers are wussies. I’m also worst-writer. We know what matters more, eh worst-reader? Yet the waters are murky either way. Or are the waters full of spawn? Spawning is clouding my visibility. Can that be? I saw so many little fishies the other day that I thought the ocean was displaced with them. But then I realized that visibility was displaced with reproduction. Now that’s how you make a worst-blog-post sexy, right worst-reader? Just add a little sex to the worst-writing and we’re good. I paused at about fourteen meters. You’re not supposed to hold your breath when your diving but every once-a-once I do it. “Can I hear them flirt with each other,” I ask myself of the millions of fish who are colluding for my entertainment and clouding my visibility with their sex. Sorry. Spawn. There is so much noise from breathing through a regulator. Add to that pressure in my ears. Usually my left is good, but my right is blocked. Equalizing is the only burden when diving. Drop like a rock after emptying all the air from your BCD (Buoyancy Control Device) and the left ear goes first followed by the right. Pinch your nose and blow gently. “Don’t blow to hard or you’ll blow a gasket,” a diving uncle once said. Reach your depth, put a little air back in BCD. I’m now perfectly buoyant. I could just as well be floating in space. Rocket man with bubbles. Another slow breath. Adjust weights, straps, fins. Good to go. Pause. Hold. Just for a second or three. Perfect silence except for the snap-crackle-pop of a planet under water in full motion, in full life, not quite in the middle of the universe. Those damn little fishies are having the time of their life. Swimming around a fringe reef. Yes. It’s their reef. I’m a tolerated guest, like David Livingston tolerates me. If only that guy would open Sol Food in Westpunt, Curacao more days of the week. Lazy bastardo. ;-) He’s a reef diver, too. And he hunts and feeds his guests lion fish that he kills with vengeance. Because lion fish don’t belong in the Atlantic ocean. But they sure do taste good! Oh no, how did they get in these waters? Some schmuck let one loose from his fish tank in Florida, the saying goes. Someone thank David for his contribution to a better Caribbean Sea. Indeed, dear worst-reader, that’s a whole ‘nother worst-post.

What I want to worst-blog about is the fact that there are more potent forms of diving. Diving where I could show more manliness. You know, it’s always a thought or three when planning such a trip. Manliness or beautiful coral? But we never say we’re going to Maldives to do extreme drift diving. Now that’s diving! In the blank-blue extreme current at twenty meters, tethered by a hook on a rock that prevents you from being pulled to India, you can watch sharks effortlessly wait in the same drift current for something to get in the way of their mouths. And what about wreck diving? I could be a wreck diver along side being a reef diver, couldn’t I? I hear there are world war two wrecks off the coast of Norway in less than thirty meters of water. Yeah. Always wanted to dive alongside Messerschmidts as much as sea horses. Oh no. I haven’t gotten my drysuit certification yet. Cold water, man. Very cold water in Norway. And. My diving partner won’t dive in water less than twenty-five degrees celsius. Hey! What about that aircraft carrier the was sunk off the coast of Florida’s panhandle? Water ain’t so cold there. Oh wait. The ship was sunk in just under thirty meters of water but hurricane Katrina caused it to shift and more than half the wreck is now under forty meters of water. Forty meters is deep, man. Can’t spend more a few mintues on air at forty meters. And I’m not certified for tech-diving. You know, where you go down with more than one bottle and you have to adjust the nitrogen and 02 so that when you come back up your lungs don’t turn into graham cracker marmalade punch. Seriously. That’s what lungs look like after they explode. And then there’s night diving. Which I don’t like. Carrying around those lights attracts the most ornery critters. No. Night diving gives me a bit of claustrophobia, too. Which cancels out any cave diving. What about ice diving, lake diving, etc. No. I’m just a warm, lazy, pseudo-bourgeois, always dependent on the kindness of strangers, reef diver. Anywho.

Yesterday, after swimming for about forty minutes over a huge bed of coral, I conversed with a moray eel the size of a Volkswagen Beetle. As it began to lunge toward me, probably due to my irresponsible diving techniques, I did a batman summersault and threw a Robin kaapow! to thwart its aggression. And the animal just looked at me as though I were stupid or something. Continuing with bad diving technique and some unfruitful but fun disrespect for nature’s creatures, I placed the bulk of my swim fin near the moray’s mouth. Just a little naive experiment, don’t you know. And does the creature help me out a bit? Of course not. I failed to acquire the proof of my tale which I wanted to worst-post instead of my dive log. That damn moray didn’t bite. His fang marks would like dracular marks in my fin. Cool, eh. So you see, there are marks that even we wuss reef divers can take with us to prove… To prove what? How much fun this stuff is? No go. So I guess it’s off to Thailand in a few months to see if I can get that damn trigger fish, unlike the moray, to cooperate. I love reef diving.

Rant on. -Tommi

Getting Rich

“We will lay aside the responsibilities and sacrifices of citizenship, and religiously ascribing all virtues and all growth and progress to a republican form of government, will allow our own to go to the dogs, devoting ourselves meanwhile to the business of getting rich.” -from an editorial, The Nation, May 15,1873