Apple Pay, Credit Bureaus, Moneyed History Straight Line To Now

apple card 2
This is a screenshot from the pdf, see source link below.

When did it begin in my beloved & missed united mistakes of #Americant, dear worst-reader? When did the obsession to consume-to-survive through the happy monetary machine of plastic begin? When did that little plastic card replace hard earned cash someone’s grandparents slaved for–or wheel barrelled into a bakery in Berlin in 1923 to buy bread? I mean, we all know when the greed $hit$how began, right? You know, the $hit$how where you can and must live above and beyond your means–so that you are always beholden to some/one/thing else. Yeah, baby. #Americant indeed.

Go with the following worst-thoughts for a sec, eh, dear worst-reader.

I’m worst-guessing, off the top of my worst-head, that the fascination with systematic consumer loan-sharking, or the credit card industrial complex, as a means for nation-state consumption, began in the seventies. Why the seventies? Well, by the end of the sixties, the powers-that-be realised that it was time to shift the costs of war-mongering, from which they had oh-so profited, onto the backs of something or someone else, otherwise the $hit was gonna hit the fan again–just like it did in 1929. And so. Now that the great wars-of-need were over all that was left was the creation of Empire through minor wars-of-want1 (aka wars of choice). While the military industrial complex was taking advantage of The Stupid (the riff-raff), the lords of commerce were diligently getting rid of that other burden that was in the way of über profits galore: labour. These two things put together are a potent poison, don’t you know. All that’s needed to get them both out of the way are a bunch of willing suckers, i.e. a huge consumer base that can only culminate in #MAGA. Yeah, baby. Let the riff-raff (The Stupid) pay from now on–and they will. You want a car? Well, good for you sucker. Good thing getting a car is never about the actual price of the thing. No. It’s about what they can get you to pay for that car per month–for the rest of your fcuking life. You want a computer or a smartphone? Pay 23.99% interest while you pay monthly for it, even while that device is manufactured for obsoletism in less than two years, because that’s the way it is, sucker. And not only let them, the riff-raff, pay, but let’s make them also pay double or triple with political capital, too. Enter Faux-Newz (early 1990s) and an industry of propaganda that is making Joseph Goebbels cream his deadman rotten shorts. Yeah, that is the power of misconstrued patriotism mixed with greed and spite and hate and bigotry and and and….

Wait a sec. Am I on about credit cards yet?

The reason for credit-cards as a means to consume was required because someone thought new & improved great wars must be avoided at all cost. Banking and finance in the sixties wasn’t as devious as it is today and thereby couldn’t simply jimmy and screw and dazzle The Stupid (the riff-raff) with interest rates. The powers-that-be were all still frightened out of their minds by the concept/reality of inflation, socialism and it all mixed with an informed riff-raff (the not-so stupid?) that would not only jump from skyscrapers in NYC but also rise up with AK-47’s disguised as pitchforks and then go around mass-shooting everybody and everything in El Paso, Dayton, Columbine, Las Vegas, etc., etc. As we all now know, the fun & games with interest rates, to prevent not only hyper-inflation but also stock market crashes and great wars, would be a long term game. So too would the AK-47 slash pitchfork phenomenon carried by the by-product of Dr. Americant Frankstein. Wow. Little did anyone know how willing the riff-raff (The Stupid) would become in this game, eh. Welcome to #MAGA.

But I wanted to get on about credit-cards.

Oh, how I remember those American Express commercials in the late 70s. And what ever happened to Diner’s Club? Why is it that I always think of Benihana restaurants when I think of consuming-to-survive back in the day when it was exotic to pay for anything with a plastic card? Elitism hits you young, don’t you know. It was the aura of the times, eh? Not unlike the lore of travel. High-end products. Airports and luxury. Being serviced by people who at least acted like they were interested. Pan Am. The TV show Mad Men reminded me of those days. But wait. I’m getting off subject again.

As of early 2019 I’m finally allowed to use Apple Pay as a means to consume-to-survive. I mean, it’s kinda like a credit card, right? At least it’s attached to Visa, I think. It’s been a long time waiting, dear worst-reader. The long wait has something to do with Germania’s banking system. I mean, it’s not like The Huns needed other means to enable the purchase of $hit. Their EC-Card system, which is basically nothing more than a debit-card system directly attached to your bank account, i.e without the third-party enablers like Visa, M/C & co., actually works pretty great. The only problem with it is, well, in order to have the coolness of something like Apple Pay, the bank would have to enable a third party to make it happen–which greedy little Huns don’t want to have to pay for in the form of fees. Hence, since expatriating to the Germanin tribe of #Eurowasteland so many years ago, I guess I’ve been waiting secretly to finally run up a credit card bill to see if/how they repossess me for over-draw galore. Has that secret day finally arrived with ApplePay? Not quite.

Although Apple Pay has been available in Germania since around 2017, my bank turned it on at the beginning of this year. It took me till two months ago to finally set it up on my iPhone and, of course, my AppleWatch. After that it took a few more weeks before I had the guts to actually use it. Now that it’s working, I don’t want to pay with anything else. The only problem is, The Huns are still a bit behind in making it available everywhere. I mean, wouldn’t it be cool if those stuck-up Bier servers at those great Bier halls could take payment with just a click from my watch? Or, if I need a train/tram ticket, wouldn’t it be great to just flash my phone at the ticket dispenser? And what about being able to use it in those houses of il-repute? You know, where most German males have to go in order to get some relief from being married… you guessed it… to a fcuking German female. Oh wait. Banks the world over have issues with financial transactions and… houses of il-repute, don’t you know. Yeah, cash-only still works.

The good news is: don’t worry; at this point in my worst-life, I don’t have to worry about credit. Not much into hookers anymore either. I’ve long since learned to live within my means–and I’m no longer ashamed of relieving both my balls and my prostate through other left-handed means. And although I consume-to-survive a lot of material $hit, especially tech gadgets, I think I’m pretty prudent when it comes to spending. The drive/need to exercise my prostate is also waning. Still, it would be cool to finally have a bit more payment modernity in the old country and to wait-n-see if a hot-chick repossessor rings my door-bell wearing porn clothing and carrying a bottle of that lube found in Osama Bin Laden’s bedroom at his last Pakistani stand.

But I should really really really move on now.

Using Apple Pay got me thinking about my brethren in my beloved & missed #Americant. For one thing–and get this, dear worst-reader–I haven’t had a revolving credit card for almost thirty years. For another thing, in the Germania economy, revolving credit ain’t a consume-to-survive necessity. People here have spendable income through both savings and earnings. And so. When I hear things from President Stupid that the economy in my beloved & missed #Americant is doing great but then read about how much debt is held by the Riff-raff… Come on. For the life of me, I have no idear how/why so many people subject themselves to the whims of #Americant loan sharking. I mean, is it so hard to live within your means–as opposed to charging everything until the repossessor comes or you just pay every month after month on that revolving, interest laden account for the rest of your life? Would I too be as bitter as #Americants are today–and thereby resort to drugs and violence and disarray–if I had to afford something less than this fancy, jewellery MacBook that I’m typing on now–and/or lose patients for 3pm to arrive where I can finally poor that first Gin?

Maybe.

And while doing all this useless, worst contemplation about all the suckers (the riff-raff) that enable and facilitate #Americant, while enjoying the fact that I finally have a modern western world form of payment in the old country, I happened across the new-fangled AppleCard’s user agreement–which, for goodness sake, no one knows when it will be available here. Anywho. The user agreement kinda threw me for a loop, don’t you know–even though I’m no where near possessing it but instead reading the rules & reg regarding a form of monetary payment made out of titanium that is obviously waaaaay cool. Whaaaaa? It has no numbers on it either. It only as the owners name on it and, of course, the emblem of the corporate elitism so many (worst-moi included?) espouses. Is this the next future of modern payment I’m waiting for?

First, did you know that AppleCard is nothing but a Goldman Sachs master-card credit card? Whaaaaa? Second, get a load of those interest rates. I mean. Goldman doesn’t even tickle you a bit here. Nor do they give you a small, slight, conduit kiss… before they get right into how they’re going to fcuk you with interest rates. I mean, come on. Are you serious? 13-24% interest rates, dear worst-reader? What idiot pays this $hit? Then something else hit me. I’ve been gone so long. I’ve been so far away from the essence that is my beloved & missed #Americant–i.e. credit-card and working poor mayhem–that I completely misplaced somewhere deep in my worst-psyche what it is people must be going through and hence only the worst of the worst of human behaviour can be the result. No wonder you’all are killing each other and no one can figure out why nor can anything be done about it.

Don’t get me wrong here, dear worst-reader. I’m no conspiracy theorist. I know that there is no single group of men (powers-that-be?) that sit around in a star chamber and hammer out a plan to screw the world. Yet, what is it that makes people accept 13-24% interest rates on doing the only thing that anyone can/should/must do to survive in the West today? Sure, the other parts of the Goldman Sachs AppleCard are a pretty good deal. There’s no transaction fees, no penalty fees, blah, blah, blah. But then the card is going to be an elite card, right? A very controlled bunch of people are gonna get it, right? You know, like American Express once was elite. Or Diner’s Club. By-the-buy, I could never get a Diner’s Club card and I only briefly was able to get an American Express card through an employer once–which I no longer have nor would I touch with a ten foot penis.

apple card 1
This is a screen shot, with search highlight, see source link below.

And that’s not the worst of it. What the fcuk is a Credit Bureau? Yeah, that’s the $hit that registered with me when I read the corporate user agreement. It’s bad enough that #Americants enable idiotic politicians that only favour rich people but it’s another thing when they also enable the scammers? Wait. What am I saying? They just elected a scammer as President. Ok. Ok. All politicians are scammers. But Pee-Pee-Hair #Trump is a scammer of a whole ‘nother order, or? And on top of that, there is the scam of having to rely on credit in order to consume-to-survive but to get credit you first have to go through a credit bureau, which is privately owned, that makes or breaks your credit reliability which then determines how much interest you pay for having or not having an elite credit card, and then, you know, paying between 13-24% interest….

Whaaaaa?

Jesus fcukin‘ christ!

Come on #Americant. You are a country of scams. Everything is a scam. And why the fcuk did I buy this Apple computer in January in Europe where these things are even more expensive than, say, tax free Delaware? Oh wait. It cost, like, 1400,-€ but I paid cash for it. So I guess I’m not being totally scammed cause I had the fcuking cash to pay for it…. Fcuk!

Credit bureaus, people. Credit bureaus, or credit rating agencies, are an industry. What should be something more akin to a utility is instead a private, profit making industry owned by a few people with the help of more shareholders. Indeed. Like so many others, they took one scam industry to make another scam industry and when will the next scam industry happen? But wait. You also took a guy with pee-pee-hair and gave him the highest elected office of scammer-ville. Yeah, this makes sense, now don’t it. This is #Americant galore, baby. THE LAND OF FREE TO BE STUPID.

Anywho.

Reading through the customer agreement document for the new titanium AppleCard got me riled, dear worst-reader. It got me riled because, well, even though I’ve been an expat for almost thirty years–and I’ve only recently received the privilege of being able to pay for $hit with a modern form of payment–the most shocking thing is how nothing has changed back home. As backwards as things are in #Eurowasteland, everything has gotten über-worst in my beloved & missed united mistakes of #Americant. I suppose this document only re-emphasised the fact that, for worst-moi, there’s no return. Not because I don’t want to go back but instead because I don’t know how I would deal with so much STUPID. Either that or I wouldn’t be able to buy anything anyway on account, well, I’ve got no credit.

Rant on, suckers.

-T

Link that motivated this post:


  1. In order of appearance: Korea, Vietnam, Middle America, Yugoslavia, Afghanistan, Iraq. ↩︎

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