Duck Can’t Swim

Worst-writer’s rubber duck collection.

Subtitle: When you’re smooth on top and can’t paddle like hell underneath is you still a duck?

A favourite movie of my youth, dear worst-reader, was Convoy. For a short while after that film I thought I was gonna be a truck driver. But then I got to know a truck driver who happened to be a single father to a girl that threw me for a tizzy. With her shirt wide open and just before I could get her belt loose, her Daddy’s truck roared onto the gravel driveway of their low middle class bungalow. Needless to say, after cutting myself pretty bad on the window sill upon leaping through it–a scar I still have forty-five years later–I quickly turned to an alternative job choice. From then on I was gonna be an air traffic controller. As we all know, that job didn’t work out either on account Reagan broke all the labour power of the entire airline industry of my beloved & missed united mistakes of #Americant. Moving on.

What in the world is going on in the far north of the #Americant continent? Is Canadiastan having issues? Or have you not followed all them Rubber Duck wannabes in their confusion? With that in mind, perhaps a short summary is at hand.

In the movie Convoy, the Rubber Duck, played by Kris Kristofferson, is a kind of anti-hero, western-like renegade truck driver that seems to have a lot of time on his hands while cruising the somewhat less than romantic highways of god-knows-where desert laden #Americant. In his boredom–that can only be embodied by #Americant low-low working class privilege–he gets caught up in a tizzy with a local sheriff who just happens to be the father of the Rubber Duck’s love interest. Long story short regarding how the lower classes fight THE-MAN, due to the coercive and punitive nature of #Americant law enforcement, the Rubber Duck ends up driving all over the place running away from the cops and is thereby joined by hundreds (thousands?) of other truckers who think whatever they want/can while protesting coercive government authoritarian impunity. And I hope you don’t mind this spoiler. In the end the anti-hero gets the girl but loses his truck. Oh yeah. Ali McGraw is great in this film too. Moving on on.

Why is it that I immediately associated this old movie with what’s going on in Canadia and the so-called Freedom Convoy 2022 (see link below)? I mean. The Rubber Duck may or may not have been fighting THE MAN–in that movie. Of course. It doesn’t really matter anymore who is fighting who because, well, Hollywood was doing what Hollywood always seems to do best. Namely it finds a way (subject matter) not to lose its shirt. You know. Losing money like Heaven’s Gate did a year or two later which certainly nipped money losing studios in the bud. #Nomatter.

I guess the only thing that is worst-comparable between real life and Hollywood is the low-low middle class truck thing. You know. A bunch of redneck truck drivers thinking they have answers and new questions and solutions and protests and something worthwhile to say all on account they are free. They were born free. Freedom is everything. Government is bad. Freedom! Short pause.

I’m not sure about you, dear worst-reader, but there’s a reason certain parts of academia these days stay away from terms like lumpenproletariat. Talk about opening a can of worms. Of course. As usual. Newz sources don’t really give off a/the vibe of telling the whole story, nothing but the story–so help someone’s god. Instead there’s a whole lot of krapp in the air where Canadiastan beer tastes like it comes from confused broken French speaking winemakers that mistake maple leafs for hops or barely or malt? (J’Rigole.)

Keep in mind, dear worst-reader, protesting THE MAN ain’t like it used to be. First. With the rise of Cheeto-Jeezus, aka former prez pee-pee-hair aka #Trump, social and cultural appropriation has taken a new (trucker’s) highway. Seriously. The best line from the movie Convoy, IMHO, is when Rubber Duck is asked how he got his name. His answer? And I worst-paraphrase.

My daddy told me that you should go through life looking smooth on the top but paddling like hell underneath. Like a duck.

Sound a little too Forrest Gump there?

Now. I don’t now about you, dear worst-reader, but one of the things that perturbed me way-back-when about the movie Convoy was the fact that rubber ducks don’t have any feet. Why the heck would an anti-hero claim that he’s gonna go through life looking smooth on top but paddle like hell underneath when he ain’t got no feet to paddle with? Am I splittin’ worst-hairs here? Maybe the Rubber Ducks dad was trying to get a different message across. Like. You’re a friggin duck. There’s a lot out there that wants to eat you with orange peels and Grand Marnier and roasted potatoes. Then again. We know what #okboomer has done with all that/their parental guidance.

Long live freedom to be stupid, baby.

So what is it that so many are protesting with their really really big vehicles these days north of god’s country? Covid-19 restrictions? Having to show proof of vaccination–in order to cross national boarders thereby stemming the spread of the worst pandemic in a hundred years? Vaccinations passports? Government? Freedom!

The good newz is, it’s becoming more and more obvious who/what these protestors are and who/what they are fighting for–even though they themselves think they’re fighting for something else. (Freedom!) Indeed. Of course. The thing that threw me for a tizzy here was more than just the Rubber Duck that has no feet. Which begs yet another worst-question: what is the end game of stupid going extra-stupid and then going full stupider?

And there you have it.

Good luck you queen subjects north of the greatest land of FREEDOM TO BE STUPID. And while you’re at it make sure you stock up on all those nazi and confederate flags. You’re gonna need something to burn after your stupidity burns everything else down.

Rant on.

-T

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