What’s Under The Bus You’ve Been Thrown?

src: wiki

As my beloved #americant waddles in the ease and comfort of blissful ignorance and the gayety of dysfunction, I’ve spent most of this day continuing my research as an expatriate in finding methodologies of distraction and systems of self medication. For example, tonight I’m due with my better half to visit a place that is gonna teach me about cooking steak. When I questioned Fräulein Betterhalf if she was trying to tell me something, aka trying to say that she didn’t like the way I cooked her steaks, she replied: no, silly, this is your birthday present. Oh, I thought, unhappily. Nomatter. While walking Beckett the Killer Pug this afternoon I came across the concept of The Overton Window while watching barges fight for position in the over crowded Rhine River. How I got to that deserves a few worst-words. A few days ago I was thinking about the idear of Eugenics. This coincided with a conversation I got caught up in with knuckle draggers aka neo-nazis a few days prior to that. When one of the neo-nazis found out I was American he turned to me and asked if I ever slept with an American black girl. Why American, I asked him. Because I think I could go for one of them, he replied. How so, du Arsch, one of his comrades said. Because they’re all mostly white anyways. It’s only a matter of time before we get the black out of them. Have you seen that Beyonce Weib! Nomatter. Beyond the reality of how some neo-nazis make fun of me, one thought entered my mind after that encounter. Of all human races only the white race still contains the gene of the extinct Neanderthal. Hence the knuckle dragging syndrome we all must live with in this day of corporatism, cronyism and government run amok. This could be the reason, I fashioned, that the western world is so batsh*t right now. White people are simply incapable of getting rid of the nasty gene that nature deemed unsuitable. Yet somehow it’s hung on. Nomatter. Ultimately, river barges, stupid white people and dog walking got me thinking whether or not Eugenics and the Overton Window have something in common. Guess what? They do. Both of these idears fit perfectly into the batsh*t that is the reason why humanity is so fcuked. That is, they both are social science constructs that are born out of political agendas. As humanity had to face the reality of enlightenment, i.e. people acquiring the ability to think for themselves, those who had, for whatever reason, i.e. monarchies, cronies, pawns, etc., reached positions in society that put them above others, had also to come to terms with humanity not wanting to drag its knuckles anymore. Perhaps some of this was clarified in the 18th, 19th and 20th century with the owners of the world being forced to move their politics to the left of the political spectrum and thereby allowing people to live their own lives. As hard as it is for me to take the bullsh*t of Eugenics seriously, it pains me even more to think that there are those out there who still do. In fact, Richard Dawkins is kinda pushing for it to return to the public domain because, he seems to think, the Nazis aren’t around anymore to misuse it. My problem is, idears like Eugenics and the Overton Window are nothing more than ways & means whereby those in the Above are able to control those in the Below. In other words, science and method are used as weapons of oppression and control. Nothing new there, eh! A world of Haves and Have-Mores, it seems, can only resort to repeating history because, well, knuckle draggers seem to like the neanderthal gene that the powers-that-be can wield at will. How else can one explain Faux Newz, the republican party, etc.? Nomatter. The Overton Window is supposed to be a way to understand the viability of political idears. Yet, when I look at the pic above I can’t help but see a pattern. It is a pattern of self-doom. And I can’t think of a more deserving species. We are starting to look like roadkill just under the bus. Or maybe not.

Rant on.



Long Past The Point Of No Return Because The Snow(den)ball Is Long Gone, Melted And Absent of Doctor Strangelove


Finally, dear worst-reader, I’ve found something out there on the interwebnets that I can relate to–especially regarding the batsh*ttery of the cult of Edward Snowden. As I’ve worst-written here, I’m not a big fan of Snowden. In short, I question whether or not this so-called whistle blower is all he’s cracked up to be. Also, my biggest gripe about Snowden is, regarding his hack of information, he has really only showed us the how and not the what regarding our masters of empire. With that in mind, I’d rather there be an Edward Snowden than there not be one.

Luckily there is a real writer out there that addresses the Snowden cult along the lines of what I’m unable to articulate. Hopefully the link below will work for a while but if it doesn’t–on account of all the greed mongering going on with how “news” should be on the interwebnets (or not)–let me sum it up.

Malcolm Gladwell writes about how Danielle Ellsberg and Hollywood great John Cusack visit Edward Snowden in a fancy Moscow hotel. Gladwell writes all his brilliant intellectualisations (I mean, he’s really good at that) and then concludes that whistler-blower version 2.0 (Snowden) probably should NOT be in the same hotel room as whistle blower 1.0 (Ellsberg). Really? The real kicker that Gladwell writes is at the end of his report:

Above is a screenshot from Gladwell’s article at newyorker.com (see link below for original source).

The fact that Edward Snowden is unaware of the movie Dr. Strangelove says a great deal about what type of person he is. That’s not to say that he’s less of a person. But Stanley Kubrik’s masterpiece that literally picks apart the American mentality of military, huuuuuuuge government (no matter what faux newz tries to sell you) and anti-intellectualism, is a work of art that should be taught in public schools. Indeed. The world would probably be a better place for it.

Here’s a link to the original article. See it while you still can:

Daniel Ellsberg, Edward Snowden, and the Modern Whistle-Blower | Malcom Gladwell newyorker.com

Rant on.


That Thing About Germaphobe Presidents And Denial Press Conferences


Well, dear worst-reader, did you think it couldn’t get any worst? Surprise! You thought just because He won your hearts, your TV screens and your presidency that the batsh*t show of electoral politics was (all) over? You thought it was time to sit back, like you always do, visit the mall and consume things you don’t need, and that’s that? In a way, you’re right. The fun, nostalgia, entertainment factor and advertisement earnings of electoral politics is over. It’s just that something else has happened of late. Do you feel it? Indeed. Something above and beyond a measly consume-to-survive life is before us all. Your problem now is how to deal with that. Or is it?

Oh boy, what elation is ours at this moment in time & space?

But first, let’s cover a few things. To begin with, just for a moment, go with me here and give a thought or three to Dubya Dipsh*t Bush. I suppose there is some consolation in having had the nicest, hippest, coolest POTUS after Dipsh*t Dubya. Indeed, that’s what you can think about when you think about Dubya. For there is no forgetting/avoiding that Barry-O was/is also the lamest duck POTUS ever–and he’s also the only president to ever serve two whole terms while being at war during both. Thank you, Dubya.

(Note: Please keep in mind, dear worst-reader, that worst-writer doesn’t actually consider the use of US military power since 9/11 to be in a state of “war”. War takes place between armies of countries and/or nation-states. What we are doing in the middle east is better categorised as imperialism and/or empire. But let’s not split hairs in this post, eh.)

While I’m on the subject of who gave us the best POTUS ever, I suppose there’s no avoiding everybody’s favourite über-feminist: Hillary. And what did Hillary give us? Can you say: Mister Pee-on-me? That’s right, dear worst-reader. Now we not only have a slime-ball, comb-over n’chief that is stuck in his gold laced 1970s egocentricities, but we also have (finally?) a president that likes to be peed on. Thank you, Hillary.

Within the first few seconds of opening his anus-like mouth, I cringed and almost went into convulsions. But then something caught my attention. One good piece of information came from Mr. Pee-on-me and his news denial conference. The source of the pee-on-me story was revealed. For you see, dear worst-reader, I was all kinda confused with the whole thing as the sh*tshow of #goldenshowergate happened on twitter. Up to that point I wasn’t sure where all this krapp was coming from. I mean, come on. But now that the smoke screen has dissolved, it’s easy to see how political conservatism has permanently adopted #fakenews as a new channel for its (dis)information. Of course, those of us with half a brain know that #fakenews is nothing if only really bad journalism. The fact is, #fakenews has been going on for years. The difference now is that political conservatism has managed to take ownership of it. Hence, President Pee-on-me called out CNN during his press conference by making one of their reporters go to the back of the room and put on a dunce, i.e. #fakenews cap. Although CNN is a terrible news organisation, calling it out as the source of #fakenews shows how delusional our new pee-on-me-combover-n-chief is.

By-the-by. What is and what is NOT #fakenews? According to worst-writer:

  • it is that which is made up and unsubstantiated, usually from a blog or an angry ranter that posts krapp on the internet that ultimately has no meaning (see worstwriter.com)
  • it is NOT the krappy journalism that we’ve all been dealing with ever since the fourth estate became a corporate revenue stream.

And while I’m on a roll, allow me to move on with another worst-definition. What, for goodness sake, is a golden shower? Well, according to Frank Zappa’s song “Bobby Brown” it is an act of soul cleansing. Is it possible that Trump, since his humbling election, wants to clean his soul? (Sarcasm off.) I’ve always associated the concept of golden showers with Zappa because, well, the song Bobby Brown, since I can remember, always reminded me of Donald Trump. I wonder if that has anything to do with having seen Zappa in concert and not long after that having read Trump’s first book. A mind boggling association, eh? Yeah, the 80s were a trip.

Twitter was so awash with #goldenshowergate that I didn’t bother trying to figure out where the story came from–although that’s one of the first things I usually do when news catches my interest. I mean, come on, the 45th president of the united mistakes of #americant is already a batsh*t nutcase who’s been swinging it (yes, swinging that) since the 80s. Is it necessary to deal with his über-creepiness that is, literally, unmatched? I mean, it’s the creepiness that the electoral college voted for, right? Is anyone surprised that a guy like Donald Trump likes urine?


Step back a sec.

According to Buzzfeed–and the dossier that I only glanced over–while in Moscow on a business trip, Trump hired a few women to pee on the same bed that Barry-O and his wife slept on when they visited Moscow. Trump had the bed peed on because, well, obviously, he hates Barry-O so much. Are you kidding me! What a great way to cover up (the) truth. I mean, extravagant story telling is what all closeted people do. Or? Wow. I guess, at this point, all I can say is: Thank you Buzzfeed–this is gonna be fun.

I also want to thank Buzzfeed for showing the world that the word Germaphobe has nothing to do with hating Germans. Now we can get on with the whole Mr. Pee-on-me thing. For example…

How did Howard Huges die? He died in a pile of his own shit. Seriously. And do you know what he was before he liked to swim around in his own shit? He was a germaphobe. The natural path of someone that goes batsh*t, i.e. delusional because of their wealth, stature, popularity, etc., is to continue either hiding or avoiding the reality of their deprived personality and/or massive character deficits. America is a country that has bred generation after generation of sexually repressed knuckle dragging grunts who are both rich and poor. The only way for most of these grunts to cope with the life they couldn’t choose is to live in it in fear. One way they deal with their fear, their phobias and paranoia is to stop shaking hands, avoid bodily contact (which makes their already repressed sexuality even worse) and, eventually, they even fear their own bodily functions. The effect this has on the mind–already weakened minds–is horrific. I suppose, for some, being a germaphobe and American in the 20th century (and  beyond) is akin to waking up in Sodom & Gomorra version 2.0. But get this. Once a Germaphobe goes completely overboard, he is also capable of realigning his fears. In fact, some of these nut cases learn to like and/or obsess over what they once feared. Hence… pee on me becomes sexual. But to hide the shame that society’s stigmas have they also learn crazy story telling. How many generations of men did this? Indeed. The salacious and lewd nature of #goldenshowergate is too much for even Sodom & Gomorra v 2.0. So the story telling, to cover up the disgusting truth, rewrites the part about who or what is actually peed on.

Your president likes to be peed on.

(I’m laughing so hard right now that I might have to see a doctor soon.)

Btw. There is another example of this type of batsh*t behaviour in stupid rich white men. Ever heard of John McAfee? He’s the numbnuts that put all that anti-virus software on the windows computer you bought in the 90s. He made a mint on that krapp! And while fighting his delusions (inner demons?) he might have been part of a conspiracy where his neighbour in Belize was killed. Would you believe that this guy was almost the libertarian candidate for president? While investigating who and what McAfee is, a documentarian found out that one of the his obsessions was to have women defecate in his mouth.

Welcome, fellow dipsh*t citizenry, to your Donald Trump America.

Rant on.


Links that motivated this post:

Trump’s train wreck press conference | The Guardian
Trump blasts allegations | Buzzfeed
Bobby Brown (Going Down) | Lyrics
John McAfee accused of many things | The Daily Beast

Announcement: iPhone 10th Anniversary Not A Celebration But Instead Reason To Admit Defeat. Or. The iPhone Represents How The Old Economy Won.

three dollar bill apple logo (low res)

The thing I remember most from Steve Jobs presentation of the iPhone ten years ago wasn’t the device itself. No. The thing I remember most were three words that he said: “Internet Communication Device.” Nothing else in that iconic corporate presentation remains with me. I don’t care how the thing looks, what colours it comes in, how the edges are designed or how they put the on/off switch exactly opposite of the volume switch (on the iPhone 6s) which means every time you try to adjust volume with one hand you also turn it off.

The concept of an internet communication device is as profound now as it was then. The difference being, Apple missed the boat on making it. With that in mind, I’m still waiting for an Internet Communication Device. I’m still yearning for it, too. I’m still dreaming, like in Star Trek, all I gotta do is tap my chest and I can place a call to anyone simply by saying their name. Put another way: building an internet communication device is as far off now as it was ten years ago. Put yet another way: we should be over and done with words like cellphone, phone network, AT&T, Verizon, GSM, signal strength, etc., etc. Yet we’re not. Instead we’re still stuck and hung out to dry by the old economy that has won the battle. The iPhone is the device that proves: old beats new. The new bows its head in submission. Old farts rule the world. Gee. Turning over in your grave, yet, Steve? No. Of course you’re not. You didn’t really know what you were doing when you claimed that the iPhone was something more than just an old economy toy. Or?

Was Jobs and his über arrogant company fully aware of the significance of the third denominator they/he had put into their gadget but have long since abandoned? It was a phone, it was an iPod–or a music player–and it was an internet communication device. The phone meant nothing to me. Since the advent of carry-around phones only one thing stands out about them (all). The cellular networks that they depend on are shit because they are ALL run by dinosaur companies that should die. Talk about a chain only being as strong as it weakest link!

As far as carry-around music players go, even though I have an extensive digital music library at home, the idear of lugging thousands of songs around with me is just stupid. Alone the misery of music through headphones–an extra frivolous cost to an already frivolously priced gadget–should motivate people to curb their music listening habits. Music, like wine, shouldn’t be consumed in a plastic cup at a baseball game in order to wash down a krappy hotdog. (Or should it?)

At the least, the phone and the iPod aspect of the iPhone should not be celebrated after an initial decade of extravagant nothingness. Like everything else in the tech industry iPhones are nothing more than widgets in the vastness of monopolies and corporate do-nothing humdrum of an old economy that won’t die. So little is innovation in a world where screens get smaller, cameras get fantastic-er and computing capabilities in handheld devices get super-er. Seriously. What is there to celebrate when, even after all the pageantry of gadgetry, we’re still stuck like a crumb in an old man’s beard that is being eyed by a distant seagull?

I got my first iPhone at the end of 2012. Even though I admired the look and design of the device from afar, the cost of it is just stupid. How much does stamped-out, glued components, made by slave hands in Asia cost! As far as cellphone usage goes, I used to buy cheap, regular cell phones (where the f’n battery lasted a week) and even today my new iPhone isn’t any better. And with that same iPhone I still use prepaid phone service–because of how much I hate cell phone providers. The contracts one has to sign with old economy corporations in order to afford a new-fangled, fancy smart phone is at best a cruel joke. Why do people put up with this shit? But that’s neither here nor there. My wife likes iPhones. When she gets one, she’s nice enough to buy one for me, too. Who am I deny her that pleasure?

But get this. Even though I can afford to pay around seven hundred dollars for a phone every few years, I still think they are frivolous, extremely overpriced, and have yet to meet my expectations of what/how technology should be. Indeed. There should be no celebration of the iPhone because its invention has only lead to convention. Fcuk Steve Jobs! Fcuk the iPhone! Fcuk closed eco-systems. Fcuk iTunes. Fcuk app developers. Fcuk all you well paid useless corporate minions that keep dinosaurs alive.

As usual, I’m off subject. My point of this post is to simply state that Apple has missed the boat when it comes to technology. We see this in 2016 and how the company is regressing with its products. The new MacBook Pro line of laptops is a joke. The AppleTV, probably the first product they’ve ever made where it got bigger instead of smaller, is also a joke. iPad sales are down because the iPad Pro creates an unnecessary product line in an already overpriced product line. The Apple Watch… Oh, the Apple Watch. You’ve got to be kidding me. Should I even mention the headphone jack issue in a device that was initially brought to market as a music device? Apple is not a technology company as much as it is a smart-ass, sell shit to suckers, fashion-marketing company–designed in superficial California. Btw, when is that earthquake gonna finally sink California?

What is an internet communication device? Simply put, it is a device that is not the iPhone, Apple and an eco-system that locks one into nothingness. At the time Jobs said those words while introducing the world to his new gadget, he was deep inside his distortion field. Either that or he was tripping on acid. Wait. Are they both the same thing? Nomatter. Obviously I can’t criticise the iPhone too much. It is part of the gazillions of dollars that Apple has in offshore accounts and lots of people use the device for crazy things like making films and taking pictures and and and. And that’s the only thing that matters anymore. I guess. But then again, like the Swedish pop band Abba once said: money money money in a rich man’s world.

Fail upwards.

Rant on.


Fake News. Deplorables. Botched Robbery. Rational Thought. A 4:30am Botched Unsolved Murder.

The thing that’s been bugging me most since the presidential election goes beyond the commitment of #americant to continue along its path of batshit conservative politics. I’ve been seriously trying to figure out how the DNC and the Clintons totally underestimated political conservatism. Putting all the republican party trickery aside, i.e. gerrymandering congressional districts, the power of talk radio, full spectrum legislative blocking, etc., why didn’t Hillary figure out that it would be to her advantage to embrace not just Bernie but to not turn him into such a lavish opponent? I know. I know. By the time the election rolled around Bernie and Hillary seemed to have found each other. But to my worst-mind, it was too little, too late. Which begs the question: After all those debates with Bernie, why didn’t Hillary seek him out as her vice president–especially considering who she ended up choosing? Having Bernie attend a few DNC gatherings before the election seemed to only galvanise the hate liberal minded people had for Hillary–which I can only assume comes from the republican conservative monster-machine that has corroded the collective mind of #americant. Hillary Clinton, to me, turned out to be a very, very bad person by the time it was all over. And that’s a shame because I always liked her. I guess the real problem is that an entire country’s mind has been so profoundly corrupted, brainwashed, filled with talk-radio batsh*t, that it will never be enough if a liberal candidate shows herself as though she were (still) stuck in the campaign of her husband 1991-92. And. So. Here we are. As much as I found appreciation for dipsh*t Dubya Bush because he gave us Barry-O, I despise Hillary & Bill because they gave us #Trump. The damage is indeed done and I fear that’s it. It’s over & out. For the rest of my life there’s no place for moving politics to the left. That, to me, was the answer for America and her grand future. And so. I want to try and forget the recent election. I’ve ripped up my Democrat party card. I’m probably never gonna vote again and even the more distant dream of someday returning to live in America is gone. Conservatives have won. It’s yours. Keep it. Try not to choke on it. But before I get too far off subject. I consider myself a rational thinking person. Stuff like fake news doesn’t bother me because, well, I’m rational. Did the Russians and/or Putin influence the election and thereby cause Trump’s victory with either fake news or hacking? Again. Rational thought wins. Trump won because so many people hated Hillary and then acted accordingly at the voting booth or just stayed home and didn’t bother voting because, well, there was no one they could vote for. And then there’s Hillary’s “deplorable” comment. Why was I more offended by her saying that than I was offended by Mitt Romney’s 48%? Oh my. Fake news. Putin. Deplorables. From whence has it all come? But you know what, dear worst-reader? All of that pales at the story I’m linking to below. Like I said. I’m pretty sure I’m a rational thinking human being. No one can sell me tonic water to make my hair grow back. Nor can anyone make me buy beans when I’m supposed to buy groceries. I get the whole “sucker born every minute” concept that made a country. But the story below really gets to me. A young man working for the DNC in DC is brutally murdered and no one can explain it. The killer hasn’t been found and the only motivation that reporters can come up with is that maybe it was a botched robbery. Don’t get me wrong. I grew up in and around the Washington DC area. I have  an old friend back home that suffered because of the brutality and ignorance of poverty and guns in America. But there’s something else about this kid’s murder that needs to be explained. Oh what am I saying? It was just a murder and he was in the wrong place at the wrong time where guns and hate mix like the ingredients of a meal no one can eat. Oh wait. There’s still fake news. Such as how did all of those DNC emails get to Wikileaks? A hack? Someone, somewhere, broke into DNC email servers? Or did someone, somewhere simply fill up a USB stick and then send that off to Wikileaks so that the world can see the really, really awful emails that showed how the elites and the wannabe elites of the DNC really are?

Rant on.


Links that motivated this post:

Fascism: The New Rainbow Coalition


So I’m sitting at a bar, nursing an Obstler. I can’t figure out if my drink tastes like peach or pears. And that really confuses me when I’m on one of them special self-medicating evenings. Btw, for the longest time when I was a child I never really understood the difference between peaches and pears. Of course, obviously, both look different and they even taste different, but to me, while youthfully contemplating fruit, there was so much more of a difference between pears and oranges that trying to figure peaches and pears was just too much. Which brings me back to the subject at hand–i.e. steering gallantly away from my subpar intellectual youth. And so. Like I said. While nursing a drink at a local pub a man and a woman near me were arguing about politics. And not just any politics. They were arguing about grabbing pussy-politics, i.e. fascism–which means, in short, they were talking about my beloved #Americant. The thing that made the argument interesting to my ears, though, was the fact that the woman was defending #Trump. According to emancipated-slash-feminist Euro-babes, Trump’s boy-talk while exiting a bus wasn’t such a big deal. Obviously it’s gonna take #Eurwastelanders a bit longer to get over Trumpism and I suppose many a pub, bar, kneipe, drinking dump will see conversations like this one en masse. Or maybe not. Which is fine by me on account these confused, tribal people (Eurowastelanders) are a hoot to behold while they discuss pussy-politics. Seriously. Europeans are clueless to politics these days, especially real politics. (For those who get it… pun intended!) Seriously. The only thing Europeans can do is buy stuff, pay taxes and take in war torn refugees because of wars of oil, etc. Anywho–before I get too far off subject yet again…

Almost finished with my drink and about to pay, the man next to me who was gayly arguing with his counterpart reached around and said to me: can you define fascism?

How do you know I’m American, I said to him.

He then pointed to the bartender to give me another drink–on him. Not one to refuse the kindness of strangers, I gulped down the remainder of my drink and had a long look at the woman my new friend was drinking and arguing with. I said to myself: I’d have a gooh with that philly.

My new drink arrived. Obviously my benefactor was a friend of the bartender because the drink was definitely a double. I took a sip, stopped goo-goo eying the mans arguing counterpart and then said: are you sure you want to talk to me about this stuff? Besides, I continued, Europeans don’t know politics anymore. It’s been kinda beat out of you, don’t you know. Except, of course, maybe the French. Yeah, the French know politics a bit. But you Germans… (gulp, gulp, gulp; the Obstler was starting to have an effect.)

Fascists are just authoritarian capitalist, right, the woman said.

No, they are political extremist, racists, bigots, they are the riffraff that behave in any manor that would facilitate their day-dream of rags to riches, my Obstler benefactor said.

As the only American in the room, it was time I took control.

Well, my fellow comrades, Freunde, federalists, I’ve actually given Fascism a thought or three during my years as an expat on the continent. Without turning over all the rocks we’ve politically lined our shores with (from under which rare jumping oysters thrive), allow me to put it this way. It’s really quite simple. Fascism is nothing more than a political answer to communism. If you want to define fascism you can read all the scholarly and academic writings about it or you can just look up communism, then try to understand what went on in the former Soviet Union, and what’s now going on in China and North Korea, among other countries, and then simply find the polar opposite.

The polar opposite, the woman asked.

Well, almost the polar opposite I said taking another swig from my Obstler. Let me put it another simple way. Fascism is the answer to post 1917 communism. There would be no fascism without communism. Communism came first, never forget that. Fascism is the only way for capitalists to save their own greed souls when humans turn to social collectives. What we have now with America’s new Trumpism is simply another colour, another version of Fascisms many faces–or as an old friend of my mine once called it: the rainbow coalition of greed mongers.

My phone. My editor from LA was calling. So I gulped my drinking benefactors drink, smiled at the Euro-babe he was arguing with and left.

Not a moment too soon.

Rant on.


The Bouncing Oysters From Middle Rhine

lost oyster.JPG

See those little air bubbles? Well, I’ve finally managed to get a pic of this rare oyster species. It’s called the Rhine River Jumping Oyster. No. Seriously. It’s an oyster that jumps. When the oyster is, for whatever reason, out of water those little air bubbles grow and expand and can be used to move it around in very ingenious ways. When you find the oysters on the shores of the Rhine it’s usually because of two reasons.

  • One: the Rhine is exceptionally low (as it is now).
  • Two: to avoid being attacked by prey it propels itself out of the way of danger (not unlike German women–even when they’re not prey).

Indeed. This oyster’s prey avoidance trajectory has gone haywire. I followed this particular oysters around for a few moments while walking Becket The Killer Pug along the Rhine the other day. It was batting itself all around the shore till, suddenly, like a bullet out of Sig Sauer, it shot up into the sky and while in the sky it let out another burst of propulsion, albeit in a totally wrong direction, and landed on the sidewalk on top of the Rhein dike. Everything happened so fast I was unable to film it. (Actually that’s not true. I’m such a dunce with my phone camera that, although I did try to film it, I had the camera lens set to selfie mode. I managed to fix my hair at the same time I was chasing this thing around.) But I did get the pic above. Neat, eh? Of course, obviously, there’s one issue this creature must deal with when it uses propulsion. Sometimes, it propels itself right out of its shell. In this case, losing its shell in midair meant that the shell landed in the Rhine but its innards on the road. Luckily I was able to snap this quick pick before a bird came along and snapped up its delicacy.

Rant on.