Excercise(s) In Translation: A Schlampe Is Not A Bitch. Or Is She?

There are moments, dear worst-reader, where I love the German language. There are also moments when I don’t love it. But that’s not what this worst-post is about. Even though I’ve given up studying the language–because I reached a point many years ago where I not only would dream in it but I achieved such advanced forsight in it that I could read German facial expressions, German innuendo, German conspiracy-theory, etc., etc. German had become more than a second language to me. And that scared the living beejeezees out of me.

The thing is/was, as an avid, willing and unabashed Ausländer (foreigner) that reached a high level of language understanding (even though I still can’t write in it), I came to realize that I was NEVER, NEVER, NEVER-ever gonna be… A GERMAN.

And so.

There are times/moments, for shits & giggles, I open my first edition, original paperback of Das Capital and give it another go. (That’s right. Wanna know what it is to be German? Read Marx.) It doesn’t take long before I’m once again frustrated–and not only at Capitalism and the families that own all German businesses–but at the fact that I would never, never, never-ever be… one of them. Nomatter what I read, nomatter where the language takes me, nomatter how many of its women I have, all I hear when Marx or a German news broadcaster or a German actor says anything, is this:

Deutschland … Den … Deutschen … Ausländer … Raus!

Germany is for Germans and foreigners should leave.

With that in mind, it’s no wonder that I could barely save myself (from more shits & giggles) as Margot Honecker’s step-daugther, Angie Merkel, started letting refugees into Germany as though there’s no tomorrow. And don’t get me wrong, dear worst-reader. It’s not that I’m against helping others or helping those in need. War refugees, especially from wars-for-oil that the West has been fighting and profiting from since 9/11, do deserve our help. But what are these people supposed to do that come into Germany under such pretence? Wait. Do you see that can of worms I just opened, dear worst-reader?

Nomatter.

Not unlike the grandparents of North Africans that jumped the Colony-train and made their way to France, 21st century war-for-oil refugees will never integrate into German (European!) society. And before things get too out of hand with all this worst-writing, that lack of integration has nothing to do with religion. In white northern Europe (and white wannabe rest of Europe), dark skinned people are out of luck and out of power. That’s just the way it is. If I’ve learned anything since living the past quarter century in #eurowasteland, it’s how tribalism and racism can turn the collective into a fucking madhouse where the cheese and cured ham and white spargel in spring-time taste unbelievably delicious. Whooop-di-fucking-doo!

But I’m off subject. Again.

I wanted to worst-write today about the German language and not how the Germans so naively circumvent their world power by seperating their greed functioning economy from their greedier dysfunctioning a-social politics/society. Part of this discrepency lies within the German language. Ever heard the story that during America’s founding the founding fathers debated what the country’s standard language should be? Well, indeed, German was at the top of the list. But do you know why they didn’t/couldn’t pick German as America’s language? I think it was Ben Franklin that summed it up best.

“Those Germans are seedy and their language makes them so.”

-worst-writer paraphrse of Ben Franklin

It’s no coincidence that Germans aren’t funny, btw. Their language just doesn’t allow humour–at least not without great effort on the part of any drunken audience. German, unless you understand  the context, can be very vague and imprecise–unless, of course, it’s used to build things, to govern things, to write Das Capital and thereby invent authoritarian communism. Oh yeah, and there’s Germans and their elbow-attached beer halls! But let’s not get too lingui-sticky here. (Linquistics and sticky? No? Move on.)

Anywho. Let’s cut to the chase. Below are two screenshots from online news sources that I frequent. Here one can clearly see the confusion there is for those struggling to grasp the German language.

nazi slut
Typo correction, red-line, from moi.

Still, although not funny, German can be fun. One of my favorite German words is Schwer. In English it means both difficult and heavy. Although that’s not a very fun German word, try this one: “Schlampe”. Now that’s a fun German word–especially after you’ve had so many German women, been married to them numerous times, you mother is one and, well, let’s face it, you’re a bit of masochist.

The word Schlampe means many things in English. Here’s a short list:

  • Slut
  • Hussy
  • Trollip
  • The chick that has that “fuck me” look on her face
  • Hot but not marriage material
  • Untidy
  • Lazy
  • Gluttonous
  • Sloth (which I believe is where the word stems from as it was initially used by Indo-Germanic tribes as they hauled off their women by the hair into caves)
  • And last but not least: Sloppy

nazi bitch wrong translation

Indeed. One word can mean many things–depending on the context inwhich it is used. And so. With so many ways to translate something, I really, really hate it when the German language gets abused to the point where those NOT in the know mistranslate it and thereby spread misinformation–potentially hurting not only the language but human communcation.

The one word that Schlampe does NOT translate to is: Bitch.

Again. For posterity’s sake.

A Schlampe is not a Bitch.

Even in German… A Bitch is a Bitch. Woof. Woof.

Or something like that.

Rant on.

-t

Who You Pay When The Customs Agent Comes With Rhino Horn Powder

Dead Rat.jpg
Rat. Not an endangered species. Ever wonder why? They’re so much like humans.

Having a bad day. This is a NSFW post.

No. Seriously, dear worst-reader. Just a few moments ago I almost got into a fist fight with a German customs agent. Ok, well, maybe not a fist fight. So let me set this up.

Taking Beckett, the killer pug, for his afternoon waste-my-time walk, we come across a few street tents. As we got closer we could slowly see what was under those street tents. Whoopi! It was be-green day, save the world day. There were tents for the prevention of wearing fur, cruelty against animals and my favourite: German customs agents were informing the riffraff, i.e. the public, about what NOT to bring in the country after they go on their get up earlier than anybody to preserve your beach chair collective-state vacations.

On the tables under the customs agents tent were examples of the various contraband that has been confiscated at Düsseldorf Airport. There was a crocodile Dundee hat. That’s right. A real croc hat made out of real croc leather–lined with croc teeth. There were sea horses in a glass casing–that looked as though someone might have painted over them to make them look like toys. In a glass vodka bottle was a preserved (I’m assuming it was formaldehyde) cobra. Could there once have been vodka in that bottle and it was owned by a Russian oligarch who was flying through Germany after visiting Botswana? Then there was my favourite. Smack dab in the middle of one of the tables was a rhinoceros horn. Wait. rhinoceros horns. Plural. I think. And I don’t mean just the tip of the horn(s). It was a horn from one of them rhinos that has two horns. The whole of the skull of the rhino was still attached to the horn(s). It was fucking gross. And that’s when everything started to get queazy for me. There were hundreds of examples of once live animals that the riffraff tried to import into Germany–illegally. Boo-fuckin’-who, eh! Barf!

But here’s the thing. I fucking hate these pretentious motherfuckers who go out on the streets and try to convince people to join their little bandwagon of nitwits–and thereby never actually making it clear as to the reality behind nation-state customs officiality. (That’s just another worst-word that almost combines reality-tv with official. Or maybe not.) So I turned to one of the customs officials and proceeded to attempt (at having) a provocative conversation about officiality. All the while I was on the verge of throwing up my guts and slapping someone silly.

Moi: Why is it illegal to bring this stuff into the country? Most of these animals are already dead when the vacationing riffraff buy them. They are, in effect, trinkets sold by very, very, very poor people who would otherwise have nothing else–except what all poor people have–namely the inability to feed their idiotic offspring. What’s the harm in that?

Customs official: (narrowly translated to English for the hearing impaired) It’s illegal.

Moi: Oh really, Opa! What an ingenious answer. Did you hear my fucking question?

Customs official: It’s illegal. Duh.

Moi: Yes. I understand that. But why?

Custom official: Germany make law. Illegal. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

Moi: Yes, my Germanish ape friend. I get that. But have you ever thought about the reason for such a law? Who does it really serve?

Customers official: In Germany illegal…

I gave up on the conversation not because I was talking to an ape but because Germans were starting to stand around me, they were starting to hone in on the foreigner who might in some way disrespect the(ir) collective. Run for the hills indeed, the pitch forks are being dusted off.

And that fucking set of rhino horns was ringing dollar signs in the back of my head. It was the only thing preventing me from throwing up all over the place. If only I could get my hands on them horns. I could sell them, you know. I would make enough to get the fuck out of collective land, out of #eurowasteland, out of my gold cage. And then I would go to fucking Thailand and eat baby seahorses while strangling fucking whales the Japanese are not longer allowed to hunt (in open oceans).

(Gently close can of worms now.)

Don’t get me wrong, dear worst-reader. I’m fucking with you. And. I know that there is exploitation in the world. I know that there are endangered species out there that need protection. But here’s what gets under my gander with all these pretentious wannabe fucks that think they are saving this fucking rathole that we call earth by protesting something that does nothing but help feed really, really poor people–and, of course, keep them poor, as well.

Customs officiliaty today should serve to protect the poor of other countries as much as it protects the rich of its own country. Bingo!

If the German corporate state wouldn’t pump so much cash into China so that a few fucking perverts who own all that cheap labour can build Audis that make German stockholders more money, then maybe they wouldn’t have enough cash to buy fucking rhinoceros horns for their perverted sex activities after they grind them up into powder and snort that shit away as though camels shit roses and and and…

Oh wait. You didn’t know that rich Chinese fucks grind down rhino horns into powder and then snort the powder before having sex with slave girls?

Oh sorry.

Now go buy another fucking Audi.

Rant on.

-t

Who Hates Who Most Or How To Compare Hairdos Between #Merkel, #Trump and #Putin

Merkel Trump happiness

It was a good press conference, I’m sure Trump would say. But then again, what else can he say? I mean, come on, dear worst-reader. Have you actually listened to him talk? He talks like…

  1. a butthole from a rejected William Burroughs novel
  2. Cousin ITT from The Munsters (after he finally got a hair cut)
  3. a bored pumpkin waiting to be ejected from a failed cannon–if it could talk, etc., etc.

But allow me to move on.

The thing that world citizens should remember (in case you’ve forgotten or never considered) is that the person most interested in the press conference between #americant and the corpo neo-feudalistic Germanin state is Vladimir Putin. In fact, there is only one thing that Putin hates more than Hillary Clinton–which he most likely proved by helping Trump get elected. That’s right. He f’n hates Germany.

If nation states could pick a fight in a redneck pub to determine which form of corruption would rule the world, Putin would have beat the krapp out of Merkel by now. And do you know what’s stopped Putin from doing just that?

  1. Russia (under Putin) is such an economic failure that it can barely tie its own shoes
  2. Between Russia and Germany there is the old, fading but grand idear of #americant’s WW2 win even though the Soviet’s actually won the war.
  3. That’s right, dear worst-reader, there is still a Soviet state (not a union) and Putin’s been running it since… (insert your favourite number here)

The only western country that has suffered the least from neoliberal globalisation (but by no means is it unaffected by it) is Germany. Putin and many in #americant hate that. The reason they hate it is because Germany…

  1. has been able to maintain its manufacturing base (as opposed to decimating it like the US has done)
  2. facilitates, supports and enables savings and therefore has an economy where people spend money–as opposed to spending credit
  3. compared to other EU countries the Germans have not subjected themselves to the whims of corrupt world finance that I like to call The Anglo Way.

Indeed. Putin, oligarchs and certain banking figures around the world hate Germany for its collective nation state success which enables it to NOT choose The Anglo Way. Ironically Germany has built its own bulwark to fight off the whims of modern neoliberalism and thereby, maybe, perhaps, rivalling with The Germanin Way.

But don’t get me wrong. I’m not tooting Germany’s horn here–even though I’ve been living as an expat in the country since the summer of 1989. (Oh that wall fell hard on me.)  I have my issues with Germany’s politics, with Merkel’s silly refugee policy and, even though I’ve been able to assimilate into German society by learning the language and drinking the Bier, the country’s automaton corporatists that live in and run the show have never accepted me fully. But that’s a whole other worst-post.

Oh well.

Rant on.

-t

The Lie Of The #Eurowasteland Mind

Scream no fear all worst

When I moved to the Germania tribe of the EU in 1989, just before the Berlin Wall fell, money was all-kinda confused and at border crossings, especially to Holland, guards still checked my baggage for drugs. Was I relieved when the money got simple and I didn’t have to worry about them finding a few ounces of hash packed in coffee grounds in my backpack? Hell yea. But that’s about the only good that has come out of the European experiment. The thing is, I was always a Euro skeptic–hence my failed attempt at trade-marking “#eurowasteland”.

I even used to try and converse with Europeans about their future. The question I would ask was simple. Are you German/French/Dutch, etc., or are you European? The question threw a few people off. But in the end the answers were all the same. After pondering their heritage, their language, the cheese they eat and the bread they suck on, they all eventually said, “I’m European but…” The EU is and has been bound to fail–especially as the world comes to terms with the boil & toil it’s gotten itself into in the last twenty or so years. I mean, come on, we are at the beginning of WW3, or? With that in mind, let’s go down Tommi’s little worst-list of what makes the EU… the fucking EU.

  • Although its history and planning goes back much further, the EU really started at the fall of communism. Since communism is, literally, a European thing, how would/could a united Europe orient itself politically if one of its greatest inventions failed so miserably?
  • A single government in Brussel was/is mistake number one. The EU is all about the turmoil and chaos of tribalism. Add to that the bullsh*t of church, monarchies and so so so many people that really, truly believe that they sh*t roses… (Just go to any major EU city and watch the people that live and work there. They all also think they shit Marie Antoinette cake.)
  • The idea of a united Europe based on the United States was a mistake from the get-go since the US was founded by people who ran from the political and social chaos that houses both monarchies, pseudo-communism and the single greatest scam in human history: the fucking Vatican. (Keep in mind that all countries of the EU are centrally controlled states whose economies are dependent on the wills and thrills of banks and churches THAT ARE STATELESS.)
  • Like all pseudo-democratically elected governments (the EU parliament is not democratically elected–they are appointed!), Brussel failed to provide even an ounce of truth to its minions about what it’s really up to. Like any other pseudo-capitalist entity it can only do what a bank allows it to do. This is why countries like Greece and now the UK have to face reality harder than countries like Germany. While the EU parliament was playing around with the lie of governing and political representation the world has been, literally, falling apart over oil and cheap labour. That level of falling apart is easy to hide when you have (almost) free health care, half decent transportation infrastructure (except for Köln, of course) and a system of socialism painted the colours of a rainbow. All of this is perfect for rekindling old tribal ways.
  • That the EU even partook in bailing out Greece is a fucking joke on a grand scale and, not ironically, the catalyst for the UK’s current reaction to this mess. And, btw, Greece had two similar mandate elections regarding its position in the EU–which is ultimately what Greece voted for. The UK has just had it first mandate election. Gee, when’s the next one coming–or hasn’t the queen decided yet? All of this means that as far as banks are concerned, the UK is no different than Greece. The moronic working classes that eat their own shit will never fully understand what’s really going on here.
  • The EU invented “austerity”. Austerity is the reason that kings and queens and socialists (i.e. pseudo communists) exist. Well, that and “belief” in spaghetti monsters traversing the universe in teapots made of unicorn shit. What’s happening to the world right now in the form of economic austerity mixed with globalisation is payback by the ghosts of (19th century) aristocrats that all lost their shirts when people rose up to demand human rights. And so. The biggest problem the world has today is that all those people that rose up against the capitalists pigs of the early 20th century, all died off and left nothing behind. Indeed. Smart people don’t breed! Yeah, baby. The robber baron comeback is done.
  • Everybody with half a mind should be following The Donald right now. Nothing better exemplifies the mindset that has lead to the EU problem (and #americants problems) than Donald J. Trump. I mean, let’s face it, Trump is from another failed European experiment best known as the grand united mistakes of #americant. While a closed class of pseudo aristocrats run all the businesses in the world (of which The Donald is not one!) in collusion with banks (another class in and of itself) where a few people are allowed to suck the teat of it all (which is where The Donald is really from), the only thing left is to watch reality TV (which is also a European invention) and hope for the best.

But I digress.

The EU failed from the get-go because Europe and Europeans have only given two things to human history. One is communism and the other is monarchies that can’t but should die.

Good luck suckers.

Rant on.

Links that motivated this post:

Wirtschaftswunderkinder From The East Mix Well With Too Many PHDs

german borg flag

Having lived there for 20+yrs nothing shocks me anymore about the grand and delusional state of Germania when the buckles holding up its crescent moon start to shake. But then again, that’s why worstwriter.com is here. To provide a heads up. With that piece of self-promotion in mind, is Merkel getting what she deserves? Not that it matters. I mean, it really doesn’t matter who the chancellor of Germania is. It could be a Pfefferlinge or a Schweinehundleckerbissen. The only difference that Merkel makes as chancellor is she’s where she is so that other German females can’t go where they deserve to go. The corporate Germania freakshow is, without doubt, a boys club. For a woman to get a job running any part of the big business country-club, hell would have to freeze over or milk from a teat would have to become a qualifier (for the job). I mean, come on. A German female CEO running Mercedes? Are you f’n kidding me?

Vee heav z’ Kanzlerin!

The only other thing that matters (in Germania) is whether or not shareholders, ancient family money, over-zealous PHD grads that grow on trees, all have their day partying around in leased Audis and Mercedes and hoping that zero interest rates will save them all from certain Euro-doom as the bullshit, overpriced real-estate market that so many suckers bought in to on the promise of gettin’ by like their Wirtschaftwunder parents got by, crashes to the ground. I mean, that’s what happening on Merkel’s watch–whether she and her party suffer a state election or not. And so, let’s thank Margot Honecker for giving the world Angie Merkel. Thanks Margot, you old b*tch!

Rant on. -Tommi

Link that motivated this post:

 

News ECB German Real Estate Bubble

 

ecb-german-real-estate-bubble
This is a screenshot of google search.

Reason I googled it? Overheard my better-half’s morning news show while she was preparing for her day. She props her iPad on a shelf under the mirror in the hotel bathroom. She streams the news from Germany. Even though we’ve been away from Das Vaterland for just over a week, the saying holds tried & true: you can take her out of her country but you can’t take her country out of… Anywho. During the newscast the word Blase (bubble) was used several times in the context of the German real estate market. This woke me out of my drowsy state as I had a rough night of sleep, got up around 2:30am and tried to worst-write to compensate–but nothing helped. A big segment of the German newscast was the announcement by the ECB of lowered interest rates, which are now near zero, and the consequence that may have on real estate and the suckers who bought in the last few years. Of course, the real reason my eyes popped open was because the news report said only what I’ve been saying for the past three or so years. Vindication is a great source of wake-me-up. Not only am I worst-writer, dear worst-reader, but I’m also an arm-chair economist, a pseudo news debunker and an all-around wannabe polymath. That said, I love it when I’m proven RIGHT. §We started looking at real estate in Germany around seven years ago. Four years ago we moved from Wiesbaden to Cologne where the search continued. One thing held true the whole time we were searching to make the purchase of life-time. Etwas stimmt nicht im Land der über Optimismus. The whole time we were looking to buy a house or a flat it felt as though we were competing with others who purchased on the basis of now or never or panic. I kept getting the feeling, with every agent we spoke to, that something was wrong with the real estate market in Germany. My better half, of course, being the optimist that she is, would have none of my nonsense. She held that the over-priced market (at least she did admit to prices being very odd) was the way it was because Germany was a stable economy and there was Ordnung and the daffodils that bloom during the few days of sunshine in spring look the same in the dark-grey days of the rest of the Germanic year. She never believed me when I told her that the reason we couldn’t fulfil her dream of owning a home (which is still a pretty big deal for most Germans) was because, although we are well-to-do, the housing market in Germany is not. It is in fact inflated, over-valued and preoccupied by a bunch of wannabe real estate sharks name Manfred or Heiner or Bierschen. In order to buy a house in Germany for the past (my worst-estimate) 20 years, you not only had to over come all the ridiculous costs of the bureaucracy and the mafia-like state that made laws that guaranteed that they would also get a share of your dream, but you had to compete with the bubble–and don’t forget all the real estate sharks. No one believed me when I said that there is no justification for the prices of real estate in Germany today. With globalisation and down-sizing rampant in the country, with all inheritance value from the wirtschafwunder used up, where is the money supposed to come from to buy all the real estate? Heck, VW just announced, in the wake of its ridiculous smoke screen that is supposed to hide managements choice to over produce, it’s gonna lay-off over three thousand people by 2017–most of whom are office workers. “Office” workers are supposed to be the ones that can afford to buy real estate. Or? §But like I said, the real estate market hasn’t felt right in Germany for years. Stuff is being built like crazy. It not only felt like there was an over supply of new houses but there was also an over supply of old houses that were being sold for the same price as new houses. Hello! Are you fucking kidding me. And get this. We made an offer on a house two years ago just south of Cologne. After several meetings with the agent we met one last time where I made my offer. I mean, we considered our offer for a few days. We spoke with people about how to do it. We thought we offered a fair price where we hoped negotiations would begin. Yet. We got absolutely no response from the agent. When we finally called him back, although he was supposed to return our first offer, he just said that the owner had decided to rent the place. Rent the place? For real? Ok. Fine. I guess if the owner can’t sell it–because he’s priced it waaaaaaaay to high, he has to then, at the least, rent it–to stop the bleeding of cash he must pay to maintain the mortgage. I turned to my wife and said: this is bullshit, its all a bubble. As of our leaving Germany to move to India for a few years, the guy still hadn’t sold the house. With that in mind, I feel bad for anyone in Germany who bought a house within the last few years believing/thinking that low interest rates were the reason to fulfil the dream. This most recent lowering of ECB rates means buyers will never get any equity out of their house and the price paid was a lie. Good luck suckers. Rant on. -Tommi

Links that motivated this post:

Passage To India Update. Finding Love Of Bureaucracy. Jitters.

Dom and Sky

Last Wednesday

Moving company arrives to begin packing. They’re an hour and half late. I order them sandwich rolls from local bakery and also get them some Cola. After a few hours of boxing, rolling glasses, listening to the screams of packing tape, I surprise them with an offer to buy lunch at a Greek diner a few doors down. They reluctantly accept but when they return they are very pleased. After that they immediately start working again. Six and half hours later about three quarters of our stuff is either packed or taken apart or prepared to be packed–except for our Ikea kitchen. That night we moved into an apartment-hotel in centre of Köln as there’s no way to sleep in our place.

Last Thursday

The movers arrive in the morning on-time, a little after eight. They stayed the night in a local worker-hotel and by the sound of the foreman’s voice they splurged the money they saved by not having to buy lunch Wednesday. His voice sounded like expensive Aldi Schnapps. Yeah, that was part of my generous plan. More on that here. They finish packing all the furniture and deconstructing the kitchen. I’m amazed at how little damage the kitchen has sustained considering my cooking art which includes but is not exclusive to excessive alcohol priming. Of course, the floor is a mess.

Another very important thing happened on Thursday. We got the required paper work for Beckett, the killer pug–a huge relief–that allows us to import a small dog to India.

Another important happening: During the chaotic packing and apartment removal, we heard from our new employer in India that they changed our temp housing in Bangelore. We’ve been moved from the outskirts of the city to a hotel in the city centre. Reason for change? According to sources it has to do with the first hotel not willing to accommodate us for such a long stay. Either that or our company started to consider the bill of staying in a five-star hotel for up to two months. The good thing is, they moved us to another five-star hotel. So that doesn’t make much sense. The bad thing is, it’s the middle of Bangelore and that might not be good for walking Beckett, the killer pug. Of course, all of that is mute if we don’t find a place to live fairly quickly. Who knows how that will work itself out. We’ve been warned that in India things move rather slowly.

And while we’re on the subject of places to live, luckily there’s lots of info available on the Internet about housing and there seems to be plenty of houses, townhouses and condos to choose from. In hindsight, we should have had housing arranged or at least picked out some objects to choose from before our arrival. It would have been easy to do after our visit last November. Of the places we looked we could have directed our Relocation Officer (that’s right, such a job title exists) to pick out a few houses so that we pick from them as soon as we arrive. Oh well.

Last Friday

Be lazy. Have a cocktail at 11am. Worst-write. For example:

During the next few days we’ll be cleaning up our flat, prepping it for return to rental company on Monday. Btw, in Germany there is no clear legal distinction between landlord and renter. This is due to the simple fact that Germany is a collective. It is also a socialist, pseudo communist state. But that political ideology nonsense is neither here nor there. What’s important is that the collective state of Germany’s first priority is to offer the appearance of égalité. The Germans don’t even bother with the other parts of the French idear. The appearance of égalité is enough for the powers-that-be to keep the hard-working, BMW-driving riffraff at bay. Indeed, the German Mittelstand (middle class) is a passive and submissive bunch. Where the lie does shine, though, is when you move out of a rental apartment. For you see, dear worst-reader, (sarcasm on) in Germany, a landlord should not have any costs when it comes to owning real-estate–other than, of course, the costs it must pay to reimburse the bank for loaning money to buy the unit (sarcasm off). When you move out of an apartment in Germany you’re supposed to leave it renovated, hence the burden of ownership cost is transferred to the measly (riffraff) renter. This is reminiscent of how much of the German economy actually functions–or should I worst-write dysfunction? At the least, Germany is not the efficient machine that it projects to the world. If, on the other hand, the burdens/costs of the rich can’t be put on the shoulders of the Mittelstand riffraff or the poor, then all the collective does it raise taxes. That’s how Germans cook their books and pay for pensions and free university and tax havens in… wherever. So. There you have it. Germania explained. But before I get too far off track…

There’s also some paper work that needs to be done for Germany i.e. cancel GEZ (German compulsive TV tax), cancel land-line phone and ISP and also cancel cell contracts. In fact, once we got our Abmeldung (unregistration) notice (which was a pain in the ass and worth a separate post) and forwarded copies of it to all to these for-profit agencies, we promptly heard the following.

  • The land-line phone company and ISP immediately accepted the cancellation.
  • We’re still waiting on GEZ and will be notified while in India.
  • Vodafone immediately told us that they won’t accept our cancellation. Cell phone companies are a bit nit-picky, aren’t they? And that brings us to our next bureaucratic dilemma.

Telekommunikationsgesetz §46 (Telecommunication Law)

The Germans passed a law not long ago that if a cell company can’t maintain the original contract when someone moves, they HAVE to let the customer out of the contract. Since Germany is a collective state, i.e. everyone is tracked and watched and observed, it’s easy to know if a person HAS to move and under what circumstance. Even the German collective sees the burden of the riffraff having to deal with stubborn and greedy cell phone carriers. This in part relates to what I write about above regarding Abmeldung (deregistering). It works something like this:

You are required to register when you move from one residence to the next. I suppose the equivalent of this in the US is when you have to get a new driver’s license moving from one state to another. The difference though is that German residence is decouple from a German driver’s license. Of course, it doesn’t matter if you move within a state. So allow me to reiterate this very, very strange dystopian reality of the German collective. Whether you move from one corner of a city to another or from one part of the state to another you have to register at a state registration office notifying the collective of what you’re doing. The information you provide, though, is not just about your new address. You also have to provide proof of a rental contract or home ownership, proof of a job and income and proof you have children, if applicable, etc., etc., etc.

How this relates to a new telecommunications law is the following: As Germany struggles with globalisation, which equates with riffraff workers having to both work & live across large distances, too many people were getting screwed as the cellphone craze took shape. Buy your phone with company A in city A but then move or work in city B and find out that your phone service suddenly sucks bat balls and you screwed. Obviously Vodafone can’t fulfil our contracts where we’re going so we want out. Or can they fulfil them? I suppose non of that matters because cell phone companies, for whatever reason, seem to wield a lot of power over getting money out of people–and thereby doing very little for those people. Our situation will probably be something like this: Vodafone is already delaying our request because our contracts run out in July 2016 anyway. Unless we fight them through legal means we don’t have any chance of making them stop collecting money from us. And don’t get me started on bank transfers that are controlled by the cellphone company. Oh well.

Yesterday (Saturday)

Say goodbye to family, drink heavily again.

Sunday (Today)

Finish prepping old apartment, final clean, discard/throw-away plants no one wants, clean mess/floor left by kitchen deconstruction, fill holes on walls from hanging stuff, and put throw-away Ikea stuff on the street where I ordered special trash pickup for Monday, etc.

Monday

Even though I’m writing this on Saturday night and Sunday morning, I’m gonna go out on a limb here. After our last weekend in Germany, sweating paperwork and bureaucracies and worrying about Beckett, the killer pug, and how he’ll handle the eight hour flight in a box, I’m finally getting the jitters. Ok. Maybe I’ve had them all along. But we’ve been so busy doing krapp, it hasn’t had time to sink in. Or? Anywho. All we have to do during our last hours in Germany is turn over our apartment, turn in our company car (goodbye Audi A5 Quattro and that shitty transmission!), turn in work assigned computer equipment and then spend our last night staring at the Kölner Dom!

Alles wird gut!

Rant on. Tommi